The Snow Man

One must have a mind of winter
To regard the frost and the boughs
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow;

And have been cold a long time
To behold the junipers shagged with ice,
The spruces rough in the distant glitter

Of the January sun; and not to think
Of any misery in the sound of the wind,
In the sound of a few leaves,

Which is the sound of the land
Full of the same wind
That is blowing in the same bare place

For the listener, who listens in the snow,
And, nothing himself, beholds
Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird

I

Among twenty snowy mountains,
The only moving thing
Was the eye of the blackbird.

II

I was of three minds,
Like a tree
In which there are three blackbirds.

III

The blackbird whirled in the autumn winds.
It was a small part of the pantomime.

IV

A man and a woman
Are one.
A man and a woman and a blackbird
Are one.

V

I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after.

VI

Icicles filled the long window
With barbaric glass.
The shadow of the blackbird
Crossed it, to and fro.
The mood
Traced in the shadow
An indecipherable cause.

VII

O thin men of Haddam,
Why do you imagine golden birds?
Do you not see how the blackbird
Walks around the feet
Of the women about you?

VIII

I know noble accents
And lucid, inescapable rhythms;
But I know, too,
That the blackbird is involved
In what I know.

IX

When the blackbird flew out of sight,
It marked the edge
Of one of many circles.

X

At the sight of blackbirds
Flying in a green light,
Even the bawds of euphony
Would cry out sharply.

XI

He rode over Connecticut
In a glass coach.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook
The shadow of his equipage
For blackbirds.

XII

The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.

XIII

It was evening all afternoon.
It was snowing
And it was going to snow.
The blackbird sat
In the cedar-limbs.

- Wallace Stevens.

Trees

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

- Joyce Kilmer

As a white stone..

As a white stone in the well's cool deepness,
There lays in me one wonderful remembrance.
I am not able and don't want to miss this:
It is my torture and my utter gladness.

I think, that he whose look will be directed
Into my eyes, at once will see it whole.
He will become more thoughtful and dejected
Than someone, hearing a story of a dole.

I knew: the gods turned once, in their madness,
Men into things, not killing humane senses.
You've been turned in to my reminiscences
To make eternal the unearthly sadness.

-Anna Akhmatova

"..Suddenly I realize,
That if I stepped out of my body,
I would break
Into blossom."
From 'A Blessing' by James Wright

"He talked freely and intimately in a low, hesitating drawl that was not unpleasant to hear. He talked of the old college days when he and Gaston had been a good deal to each other; of the days of keen and blind ambitions and large intentions. Now there was left with him, at least, a philosophic acquiescence to the existing order -- only a desire to be permitted to exist, with now and then a little whiff of genuine life, such as he was breathing now. Her mind only vaguely grasped what he was saying. Her physical being was for the moment predominant. She was not thinking of his words, only drinking in the tones of his voice. She wanted to reach out her hand in the darkness and touch him with the sensitive tips of her fingers upon the face or the lips. She wanted to draw close to him and whisper against his cheek -- she did not care what -"

A Respectable Woman by Kate Chopin.

Psalm 9

O rose beyond the reach of time and of the senses
O kiss enveloped in the scarves of all the winds
surprise me with one dream
that my madness will recoil from you
Recoiling from you
In order to approach you
I discovered time
Approaching you
in order to recoil form you
I discovered my senses
Between approach and recoil
there is a stone the size of a dream
It does not approach
It does not recoil
You are my country
A stone is not what I am
therefore I do not like to face the sky
not do I die level with the ground
but I am a stranger, always a stranger

- Mahmoud Darwish.

Something wonderful..

This is a man who thinks with his heart,
His heart is not always wise.
This is a man who stumbles and falls,
But this is a man who tries.

This is a man you’ll forgive and forgive,
And help protect, as long as you live…
He will not always say
What you would have him say,
But now and then he’ll do
Something
Wonderful.

He has a thousand dreams
That won’t come true,
You know that he believes in them
And that’s enough for you.

You’ll always go along,
Defend him where he’s wrong
And tell him, when he’s strong
He is
Wonderful
He’ll always
Needs your love
And so he’ll get your love.
A man who needs your love
Can be
Wonderful.

She’ll always go along
Defend him when he’s wrong
And tell him when he’s strong
He is wonderful.
He’ll always need her love
And so he’ll get her love
A man who needs your love
Can be wonderful.

- From 'The King and I'

And why with you, my love, my lord,
Am I spectacularly bored,
Yet do you up and leave me- then
I scream to have you back again?

- On being a Woman by Dorothy Parker

Linger

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

- The Cranberries

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

- Rubaiyat [Stanza 51 (1859)]
Omar Khayyam

Translated by Edward FitzGerald

Refuge

Running across a forsaken battlefield- under the harsh clouds of absent noises, on the soft mud that lives and dies alternately- I carry my fallacies wrapped in a blank sheet that my face is.

Bill Watterson

Calvin: I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky.

Hobbes: What if you find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a bright fall morning?

Calvin: Well, yeah... I suppose there's no point in getting greedy, is there?

Seminar : The Monthly Symposium.

Seminar : The Monthly Symposium.

On the same Earth.

"OH, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,

Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God’s great Judgment Seat;

But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,

When two strong men stand face to face, tho’ they come from the ends of the earth!"

- Rudyard Kipling.

Caught in the crossfire of writing. On the scales are 'emigrant' writers (born and brought up in the West, writing of their homeland, in language that is foreign to the people of their homeland.) , against those that write, staying where they were born and brought up, of their own land, in their mother-tongue, unmindful of the reader, perhaps. The debate is of aesthetics and ideologies, that rosy wreath we lay on 'multiculturalism' and sadly, the art of writing runs into the quagmire of socio-political views. Not that any piece of writing ever has been elusive of it, still. Kipling's verse is at once, distinguishing then knitting together, peoples on a more philosophical canvas of humanity before the Supreme force.

"... But the present is too much with me. The complexities and absurdities of life, its sudden beauty and its lingering pain, its constant surprises, its vanities and its forgetfulness sometimes turn the most exciting of fiction into a mere faint shadow."

- From 'Midnight musings' by Navtej Sarna [Literary Review, The Hindu dated 6th Sep'09]

Under Siege

Here on the slopes of hills, facing the dusk and the cannon of time
Close to the gardens of broken shadows,
We do what prisoners do,
And what the jobless do:
We cultivate hope.

-Mahmoud Darwish



To Beslan, to Iraq, to every state in conflict.Sadly, the list is too long. For today, and always, prayers.

I Remember You As You Were

I remember you as you were in the last autumn.
You were the grey beret and the still heart.
In your eyes the flames of the twilight fought on.
And the leaves fell in the water of your soul.

Clasping my arms like a climbing plant
the leaves garnered your voice, that was slow and at peace.
Bonfire of awe in which my thirst was burning.
Sweet blue hyacinth twisted over my soul.

I feel your eyes traveling, and the autumn is far off:
Grey beret, voice of a bird, heart like a house
Towards which my deep longings migrated
And my kisses fell, happy as embers.

Sky from a ship. Field from the hills:
Your memory is made of light, of smoke, of a still pond!
Beyond your eyes, farther on, the evenings were blazing.
Dry autumn leaves revolved in your soul.

- Pablo Neruda.

Soumya shared in this with me. For today ,there is this poem and I am still on the same train."There is no forgetting",perhaps.

Don't think twice, it's alright!

Dylan's song. There is a thing about Dylan and me, I can never remember his songs. I must have some kind of selective amnesia for his songs, but anyway, I came across this song today (I could have, in all probability come across this earlier, only I don't remember it) and ever since it's been playing on the music player or on my mind. I usually look up at the lyrics after I've read about it somewhere or someone leads me to it. But the magic of this song is in listening. The nonchalance ,the way in which he casually trods such a painful territory of heartache is astounding.



The lyrics:


Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don't matter, anyhow
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don't know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
Don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin' anyway
So don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

Copyright ©1963; renewed 1991 Special Rider Music

Makes my heart heavy. For today, I am taking the train to the past. Hope I'll return soon.

Paint the streets!

This painting pulled me in! This painting is by Edgar Mueller, one of the most famous artists, I gather.

All I'd known of any art put to the street/road, were the occasional drawings I'd passed by close to the sidewalks. It was usually of some famous figure or deity, in chalk powder or coal, by some otherwise abled man (usually)- with the man holding his hands in a cup, asking to spare him some change. As a kid, I was in awe of the person's artistic abilities - To sprawl across something like that on the road was something to me. We rarely see that these days, what with the urbanization of the place I live in.

All this brushing up on my memory followed this-I logged into FB and a video caught my eye. It well, held it in a spell :) The video was of 'Street Painting'. What I was amazed by was the 3D quality of the paintings. The set of calculations, the perspective that went into it. My eyes rolled at the thought of the details and logistics that went into it.

Here's the video. But it still leaves a lot to be discovered.

For today, good enough. :)

[All credits due.]

Per diem

Yes, that's what my blog will be called, henceforth. Its simply going to be a log of such things I've come across, that I haven't, before, rather , such things I haven't taken note of earlier, perhaps. Things are always there, we draw up our eyelids at will or chance. It could've been called serendipity, but not all are happy accidents nor do I feel so lucky.Oh, luck!

Yesterday- Part IV

Mom woke up from a bad dream. She dreamt someone was knocking heavily on the door, a wild mob possibly. And the clatter woke her up. When she refused to open the door , the mob barged in breaking the door, which is quite possible in an apartment. The fear and agony she woke up from made her run to see if her children are safe. I hadn't caught sleep yet so I got up to her side and tried to talk her out into something else so she could forget it. My mom's one of the bravest people I know, but fear is another thing altogether. Specially the fear of something you imagined, which you cannot fight back since you are not face to face with it. The elder sister was to return from work in the wee hours of the morning and we stayed up until she did. Somehow we had a nice chat afterwards and went to sleep.

I thought I would have dreams of the same scene mom dreamt of, since my head is quite actively fanciful. vigorously actually. But, I dreamt of something entirely different. It was such a beautifully untrue 'dream'.

I woke up wanting to go back to sleep in a hope I would see more of that gauze of that sweet vision. End up quoting Shakespeare:

"Prospero:
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd tow'rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.

The Tempest Act 4, scene 1, 148–158

""

Yesterday Part-III

I was studying and I realized medicine is a way of service too! I knew I was just trying to lift my fallen spirits. After all we are our own medicine, right? As much as we hurt ourselves, we cure ourselves. [<- Irrespective of whether you are a doctor, that is!]

Yesterday- Part-II

So, the next article was about the corporal punishments, child laborers et al. This is an issue, no doubt. My only brush with corporal punishment was when I was in my 9th std and one of the teachers had picked up a 6th std student for gross lack of behavior. She had made this girl stand out of the class and slapped her. I could almost hear it.I didn't know it was such a huge issue. Back then, since I did not know the kid much, I was convinced she must've deserved it somehow because this female teacher was one of the most lively and enthusiastic teachers I've ever come across. There wasn't a single cultural event that was complete without her contribution in the form of choreography/singing/make-up (no, she was a teacher of social studies, if you were thinking it was natural). Anyway, that scene stayed in my head and I did not much accuse anyone for it. The girl was fine and I saw she was dancing alongside this teacher in the cultural event next week. So, I thought a little punishment or reprimand never did anyone bad, more so, since I've seen what totally spoilt kids are like, at home and elsewhere.
This article went on to blame various people and came up with a plethora of sensible solutions.
One striking thought was, however, quite unsettling. That the poor are given 'charity education'. As much as I dwell on it, I think it to be true. But the answers are always out of reach or implementation.
On that note, why are we so convinced? So fatalistic? Why do we resign so easily?
Couldn't we help kids with our little means? Aren't they the future? Religiously, I google for 'charitable' organizations in the country. CRY is the first result. I check the page only to discover I had joined it years ago. Maybe that was another moment in time I had felt for the cause. Another such inspiration dulled by time. Callousness!
Then I say to myself, "charity begins at home sweetheart. Weren't you the one who planned the donation campaign with friends such that we supply the missionaries of charity near college with stuff they need on our birthdays? since our birthdays are quite well spread over the year? Ah, there, I am satisfied. Now, you ARE doing your part! Sweet dreams!

Yesterday..! Part-I

In the morning, while reading the newspapers I was suddenly grabbed by Mallika Sarabhai's candidacy. She's chosen to contest against Advani![Like I said, I haven't had the news about it.] [Pardon the conspicuous absence of any 'ji's or 'sir/madam et al. I cannot start to explain it now, anyway.] This is what I thought:
1. Wow. Against Advani? The possible prime ministerial candidate? BJP's Advani? Look at her guts! Thats like a woman who's head-strong and focused. If not anything, at least we can nurture a tiny glint of hope.
2. Ah Advani! Our dear dear Advani will use up all his means. She will not win, if we know anything about Advani, we can bet our money! I was imagining what he'd say against her at the campaigns. BJP loves slinging the mud under its own feet anyway. Any established political outfit for that matter! Will he now go singing that a danseuse cannot head an office? Something like that. He can always come up with surprising accusations. He's got talent!
3. Okay, so, I am thinking this woman is better than her rival in terms of her thinking, intellectuality, morality et al. How do I know this? I knew it all because she said it at her campaigns. So am I more impressed with her because she looks intellectual and communicates in fine and charming words? Because she represents the educated, the urban classes?
4. The power of communication. A well communicated thought is such a clincher! You might at first not even ponder on the thought per se, just the words used might charm you, quite without your volition .
5. I conclude, okay, I am impressed by her. But I do not trust her too. Politics is such. Blah blah, the usual, what difference does it make anyway.
6. My socio-political self is laid to rest.

Revamping..!

I had deleted this blog, and today somehow I came to blogger to read my friends' posts and I find this option - 'undelete this blog'. Didn't quite want to all this while, so, perhaps I didn't imagine the existence of such an option. Anyway,when I did see it today, I clicked on it. And my blog is back on the space.
Only yesterday I had been thinking of starting up a new blog. But when sudden inspirations are rested awhile, they settle into unreachable corners. The reason: yesterday, after a very long while I found both the time and interest to finish every article on the paper that piqued my taste. Come to think of it, it was a great day in the sense of how many emotions it elicited in me.

I will cut them into several posts today. Read on ..!

Signs and 'in the moment'!

I am on a blogging spree, perhaps, lol! I was just talking about the seamless ways I can pour in my nonsense on these pages and here I am reinforcing it, looks like!
There is this feeling I have. About signs. Yes, I know , The Alchemist will be the immediate reference here, but I think Alchemist consolidated this idea I always had. Before I do something,I have positive and negative signs. Somethings which will tell me if what I am going to do is going to work out or not. There might not be anything religious or spiritual about it in my case, but such things happen to me. Happen to lots of other people also, but this is my blog, nay? So let me speak for myself :P lol!
I think of myself as this extremely impulsive being.I do, then think, unlike others who think before they act. And I haven't been free of trouble with this kind of attitude. And when doing, or acting on my impulses I am intuitive, very much so. Its like living in the moment and then ruminate about it at leisure. Ruminate a lot , actually. Not in an effort to alter / scheme whether this step was the reason I am here or the nonsense, but its like telling myself, you were given a moment and you did what you had felt like. Gives a certain pleasure. To be uninhibited and free of the moral tensions that play down the energy or enthusiasm of the situation you bring yourself to.
Gosh! I shall stop for today! * Mouth-shut! *

P.S.The title was 'Signs'. Due to my random blabbering I had to make it signs and 'in the moment'. Lol! How I digress, how wayward! lol!

Anniversaries..

Death anniversaries specially. Today I had been to my grandma's place. It is the death anniversary of my uncle. Maternal uncle. He had lost his life in a freak accident, was run over by a truck.I do not have many memories of him but I am told I was his pet. And I know he was the cynosure of my mom's eyes . My mom cannot stop crying about him, even though 19 years have passed since. A lot has changed, as it will.
I will not write about death. I had vowed not to. I cannot grasp the enormity of it or the insignificance of it, yet. Yes, it is both enormous and insignificant.
What I think about is this: How long do you remember a person, remember his death anniversary, mark that day with certain rituals or make the deceased persons favorite food and distribute among the needy [-is what my grandparents do each year!] ? How long?
I had seen this movie 'Before Sunrise' yesterday in which the protagonist says "I remember this grave the best, [the name plate reads elizabeth]. She was 13 when she died. I was 13 when I saw this.Now I am 23 years old and what about her? She is 13, still?"
There is something I might be missing in the connection between these two things/events. The lines in the movie and my own thoughts about the time to which we recount the memories of the deceased.
I shall conclude, soon.

I was thinking..

Erm, what is the entire purpose of a blog? Is it a personal thing, a diary-like place to pour in your queer notions and the not so queer ones? Okay, I know of the 'informative' types of blogs, the 'entertaining' ones too, but I am here trying to reason out the existence of mine. Not one , but 3. One among them has a purpose, quite a superficial one though. I planned to write in and make a log of my experiences at the hospital. Erm not quite 'experiences', lets call it the 'work' there in and what I 'learn'. I go there now, only to refer or add something more to the 'reference'. There is nothing personal to it, so I don't quite mind its existence. Then comes the poetry blog [wasn't meant to be a 'poetry blog' either, it just transformed into one] .I am still shy to let someone read it. I mean I am not whom I can call a 'writer' or a 'poet'.In fact, I do not know how these professions came into existence. Its all such an exercise in introspection and emotions , to call someone a 'writer' or 'poet' must be so demeaning. At least to me, it is awkward. I do not enjoy when people comment that way.Also, its their choice anyway. I like comments which kind of scatter the meaning of the poem/prose in a new light or its own light.I enjoy , that , totally. Ok, I am digressing. So, I am not comfortable with that either. Someone reading what I think or feel. I am happy though, that most of them do not understand. I mean, a handful of my friends who insisted I show them the blog said they do not understand it at all.So, that is kind of comforting to me. And now this one, this blog, here, was supposed to be about anything I'ld like to voice, a platform sort of. But then again, today I couldn't avoid this paranoia that someone I totally don't know might be reading all this. I usually turn a blind eye to this demon of a thought, but today I really am hooked to it. What if someone reads it? What if someone meets me one day and says, oh you are Rukhiya, I read you! HOW disgusting that thought is to me! You can't possibly know a person from a blog. It so ruins the magic of a slow discovery or uncovering of a persona. Reclusive as I am, I would love to see myself come out slowly out of my shell, seek a thing or two, recoil, feel better, come back and so forth. And this is so much a spoil sport now :(
I think I hate it when someone says, I understand you/know you, totally. Understanding/Knowing is a comfort,is humane, totally is not!
I can go on about it..! Maybe I should just stop sharing in, or writing on my blogs but I am kind of happy I have a passive outlet in these things. The thought of being read doesn't always bother me so much anyway.
Go away, devil! Do not gag me!
*Talk about happy endings! bah! we are all so obsessed with it! :x
P.S.: This is called the delusion of reference :P My, my, what a hypochondriac I make! lol!

Blah blah..

Now, I think most of my posts shall be titled 'blah, blah' since I really don't think I make so much sense in a soliloquy,which is totally for myself. I was wondering what is the one thing I hate the most. I knew it had to do something with an emotion I totally loathe and since I was in a situation recently I know exactly what I hate, at least one of the things I totally hate. And that is 'helplessness'. There is not a feeling that can beat this one. It sort of paralyzes you. Its so numbing , more so because in such a situation you cannot garner help from yourself, because it requires a third person, a person outside your body to look through, pick it up and alter it or address it. I am this person who will never ask for help, howsoever badly I may need it.And that in a matter of emotion I would never ever do. Silence, at times, is so lethal a mask. It seals your mouth and blocks your eyes, and no one seems to hear your voice or read from your eyes. And you are left hoping! A hollow hope is such a futile crop. Its almost like a fibre, which adds bulk and no proper nutrients/ carbs [erm that is the aftermath of too much community medicine, but yes, I imagine it that way!]. The trouble is to 'explain' to someone, trying to make them understand, then take help [EEW!]. To go against your own set of morals/rules is so hurting and painful. Erm, I'd rather not bring the feeling back. Not even to ruminate.

I fear another such incident , it drains me so! But as of now I am glad I am out of it ! Touchwood!

Random me- A tag! [Another tag ;)]

I think I do more tags than I write blog entries ;) Tags are fun to do. The ease of having questions asked and not having to think of what to write about is definitely more than welcome for my lazy bones. :D So, here is this tag, Random me, picked from Sash's . This darling girl has done it delectably [quite so with all the brinjal and fish ,lol :P]. My turn,
Here are the rules [Which I might not, erm, will not stick to anyway ;)]:
The Random Tag Rules : Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

You have to link the person who tagged you.

And here I go:

1. I am indecisive.

Hell, I am. This is by far the most constant attribute of me. I've always been, will be and am indecisive. Librans are born with this load on their body. They just can't decide. And I am so full of it I take an hour every damn morning to decide what I should wear to the college [No, its not about my concern to look good or the routine 'girly' thing. Even if I were a guy I'd take as much time :/ also that is one reason I loved school, there's a uniform and you don't need to decide. But, I used to, since I had 3 sets of uniform, I took time to pick one among them too. Sigh!]

2. If you tell me, I am not doing it.

No one can tell me/coax me into doing a certain thing. I do when I wish to do, when I feel upto it and I will not do it, most definitely, if someone asks me to. It actually irks me no end when people ask me to do something and people at home have an uncanny timing to tell me to do something, for example, study, right when I am mentally preparing to pick my book. The moment someone says it, it sort of bursts the entire idea that has been forming in my head. So, I will not study. It might look rude to a certain cross section of people, but wth. I cannot, will not. ;)

3. I think I am manipulative:

Very manipulative. I think I am the witchy kind and I bring people or events to a certain effect. I have that awareness of directing someone's emotion and when someone responds in the way I had charted it out, it makes me swell. Or so I think. ;)

4.OCD :

When I get obsessed, I get obsessed. I have this theory of a threshold- Anything if given repeatedly will wear its charm away. So I give that particular person/song/food to myself repeatedly, several times- If I grow over it, if I notice a decline in the feeling for it, there I know I can get over it. Those things I don't get over after my exercise in threshold testing, will remain as things I love. And however I try I will never get over them :)

5.I have silly games/theories/sounds:

LOTS of them! And I will get them going no matter if the person likes it or not. So much for pledging to tolerate me :D One such theory is [just to say, how silly I can be]- Aftercalls. If I like the person a lot [which always is since I am so extreme with emotion. I either like someone too much and get indulgent or I am just plain indifferent] and I happen to call/ the person does. After a lengthy conversation, (which will be a few hours) [now I am not the phone person but like I said I am on the extremes always], and we've said bye, I'll call back again. Say: This is an aftercall. A reminder to let you know all the time I just spent with you is special to me and I will miss you until next time :D Shyaah, my hopeless romanticism ;) [See the word, Shyaah? :D]

6.I am a night person:

I LOVE the night sky, the stillness of nights. I can study so well and I have such easy concentration at night. I can't study in the mornings, until dusk. I really can't. I am so active in the nights. la la la. :)

7.Fallible:

Okay, now this is a secret. I let myself be fallible at times. I have the consciousness of what I am doing, I know what I am saying but I will presume this is my fallible mode and whatever I do or say here is/ will be without consequence. Its a sort of refuge when I want to say something and my waking senses or morals will not help me. Bah! I will be dead! :P

8.Earth and sky:

Something that makes me smile. The Moon , the clouds, a patch of green, a homegrown flower. So innocent and so indifferent. They are my releases to my kind of world. Such peace.

9.I talk to myself:

And loud. I don't murmur or talk in a dreamed up cloud. I talk to myself in voice and clearly. And I LOVE doing that.

10. I am incorrigible and egoistic:

I have to end conversations, I have to satisfy my ego, and I will never grow out of the compulsion to do so. Never!

11.Reclusive silence:

I am the kind that will not speak for myself. I just won't talk and I expect people to just understand it if they will. If I like someone, if I dislike a certain thing, whatever it is , I just won't say. And its hurt me real bad a lot of times, but I still cant get over the habit. Maybe I am lazy there too ;)

12.I am easily complacent:

I can weave myself in a dense web of complacence even before I do something substantial enough to get complacent. This makes me over confident and again, I hurt myself bad. :S


13.Germ-i-clean:

I freak out on hygiene. No, I do not bath regularly, I am just too lazy to put myself through a bath. But I have to have clean feet, clean nails, clean hair, clean face,clean slippers too. Spotlessly clean. I feel so yuck when I see dirty feet or dirt in nails, I feel like throwing some water over them until they come clean or going and chopping that long grown nail off their hand :S I can't even tolerate someone sleeping on my bed or resting their head on the pillow. I start to think of disease transmissions, fomites, eew!

14.I love dusting:

I know this is silly, but wth we are talking random stuff, anyway.I love that feeling of dusting something and restoring its sheen. Gives me the feeling of an archaeologist :P Also, washing a dirty brown linen to white, ah, when you see the white, it is SO fulfilling. But, of course, the linen better be washable and it better get back to white with little effort , else, I'd burn it up. :D

15.. I look at the recipe book, everytime. :

:( I might be bright with academics, brainy, blah, blah, blah, but I just cannot, cannot ever cook something from memory.I have to look at the recipe book every single time, and with every step. I just won't remember, more properly, I am just not sure if what I remember is right :S

16.I read the newspaper backwards:

One habit, I can't get over. I read the newspaper starting from the last page. I've always been like this. Sometimes, I try to start from the first but I just can't read more than a page that way. Also, I have a habit of marking interesting stuff with pencil [yes, on the newspaper!] - I fear if this thread will be my passport to an asylum ;) :P

17.I think I am asylum material:[:P]

I really think so and sometimes go to the extreme lengths of trying to find out why I am not into one already. Maybe people haven't seen it yet , properly, they will if I come out of my room. Some day some one will take me to one. :P

18.Physiology of emesis:

I am very uncomfortable with crowds. I feel stuffed, like all these people are drawing up all the air and filling it with more CO2 and I have to breath that, THAT? No! Also, in the buses, those closed air-conditioned buses, I will most definitely throw up. And all this because the physiology of vomitting will be playing in my head on loop. :S

19.Confused in crowds:

I get very very confused when I see lots of people. Too much color, too many faces, glaring lights, I can't grasp the enormity with my two simple eyes.

20.I LOVE my solitude:

I can't ever give up this one thing, ever. I need time off all the stuff and with myself. This is more evident in the way I am always locked up in my room, always in my room.

21.I have sudden inspirations:

Like I said earlier, I'd do anything if I got an inspiration. If I feel like painting, I will then and there, if I feel like climbing onto the terrace , I will, even if there is no ladder. [Once I wanted to have a cinematic shower, I stepped on a tap and broke it. It was SO much fun fixing it up and having the shower of course! :D]

22. I pride myself on the general knowledge:

Dad and me keep this going at the dining table. And I LOVE it. Several guests think it a privilege to join our dining table discussions, yay! Also, I am a self-proclaimed techie. :D Atleast a beginner techi, erm, whatever, I am techier than the average man! ;P

23. Bad table manners:

Bad manners puts me off and that at the table it makes me want to throw up. I can't continue eating when I see someone scattering food and using up all their hands in the effort to eat. Eew, its SO gross! That said, I, sometimes, [when I am alone] try acting that out. Sit clumsily, eat even clumsily. All to know why I can't get over that hatred for clumsy eating. lol!


24. I enact stuff real well:

I can imitate people, enact their expressions quite well. This makes me the stand-up comedian at gatherings. Of course, the gathering should be of people I know, in the sense, only and only my cousins and aunts. The first relations. NO ONE else. Not even my friends. And if there is a person who thinks he/she can imitate, I'll never get up to perform. [I don't like indulging in a competition! Not a competition of humor atleast!]

25.I cry:

A lot! But there are certain rules to it. I do not cry in the moment. I won't cry in front of anyone [that will make me count as weak.] I will stack them all up until I reach a point where I cannot hold myself back and I start crying. Sometimes, though, I just feel like crying, and since I will not have an immediate reason, I will pick one reason from the stack. :P Now, this reason can be as old as 'someone- told- me- something- bad- in- my- 2nd- standard'. :S That random, I am! :D Also , after crying out to my heart's extent, I will go upto the mirror and console myself. :D

26. Yes, 26!:

:P I detest hypocrites, people who rape languages and pieces of information with their antics and half-knowledge [specially english], ignorant stunted heads, blah, blah-blah-blah. :D [There I am satisfied about breaking the rule :D]

Addendum:[This too! :P]
I can't tell my right from left - I need to take each of my hand to my mouth to see which is more natural and oft-repeated and then confirm :P Specially when giving directions, it has to be fast so I cover by saying- this side, this side :D
I can't tie my shoe lace and I eat food cold . :S :D

Ah, I think I can write another 25 things. :S

Sigh, why should the tag ask only 25. :P

*Deep breath* This was fun! SO much fun :) Thanks to all of those who've read it. Also to those who haven't [atleast their idea of my sanity will remain :D].

Go ahead, those who feel like doing it. It is fun reading too :)

How long does love last?

I happened to pick this question on a friend's blog and I guess we all have a lot to say in answer to this question.
This is what I said: "As long as you wish it to. I guess its more about if you've had your fill. If you haven't, your ego [read love sick self] will keep pulling back all those shards of memories of time bygone wherein the entire idea of love translates to longing for fulfillment. If you have had your fill, as in properly reciprocated, then it lasts as long as you can remind yourself of your need for that particular love."

I am making a note here, because this is what I feel at this very moment, in all honesty. It is subject to change surely and I shall look to a day when I would want to erase this thing up and write something else in its place. It might be contradictory then or I may continue to think the same but I am making an exercise in a reality check. Erm, whatever! This is for myself. I'd like to hear what you have to say too :) Do leave a note. :)

Eww-tiquette!

I am, admittedly, a snob and care a lot [sometimes excessively] about manners et al. More so, when I am having a groggy day or I am just plain irritated. No, I'd not say anything outwardly but my face twitches and winces involuntarily.
But, there are days when my self acclaimed sophistication goes blank and it completely bemuses me. I start to wonder if it was indeed me who behaved in a certain way. Rather, some times, I am clueless about any form of manners and I suddenly feel the rub of being civilized or partly uncivilized or roughly uncivilzed.
One such experience is what happened yesterday.I was at the doc for a check up and this person is the assistant professor of Medicine at college.[Medicine being my fave branch, I am naturally a bright talent(atleast I pass off such impression) in the department and therefore I have a good rapport with the entire staff.] So, I walk over to his clinic and wait for him. I see him entering his cabin and I just smile[NO wish, nothing! After a few seconds I am like, good morning sir- this at 7:30 in the evening!]. He asks me to come in and I sit across and reel about the problem. After this is over he fixes an appointment with the consultant sonologist of the hospital and since the appointment was a few mins away he chats up until then. We discuss several things and my talk is conspicously free of any form of respectable addressing. Then we go over to the cabin of the sonologist. Here, the prof takes the lead and introduces me to this doctor who is also the head of the hospital.
Prof: Doctor, this is my pet student Rukhiya. She's the one I was asking you to screen.
[Turns to me]. You know this is Doc XXXXXXXX.
I nod my head in disagreement! I don't know the person,I've never heard/seen him before and my reflex goes nude and I nod to mean, no, I don't know!
As bad luck would have it, the doc saw me nodding. :S
Then on the table he asks me questions [one real disadvantage of being a medico is you are not spared the viva voce even on the operating table. So if you have a problem, you better diagnose it yourself , hold a bunch of differential diagnoses and study everything there is to know about it, if possible also brush up a related topic before you present yourself to a doc!] and I did not know how to answer from such an uncomfortable position :/
After this , he walks out of the room to his cabin & my prof asks me to take the other common exit out of the room. The fix here was whether I should go back and thank the sonologist first and then thank my prof or run to the prof's cabin assuming my talk would do for a thank you to the sonologist(also assuming that it'd be overly sweet/unnecessarily sticky to go the sonologist and give a huge thank you when he has 4 patients already waiting upon him). I had to act quick and I first got out of the room and went to the prof's cabin. When I enter , I goof up his conversation with another doc I know. I was caught between two docs I know and had to make it clear how I know each of them. Bah! Then I was asked to wait for a while outside [I clearly remember my prof saying this!]
In the waiting room, stranded and caught in all my confusion I was still considering going back to the sonologist and thanking him. I thought it was awkward of me to not do that first and if I went now, I'd make it even worse. All this was killing me and the day's running about and studying had already taken a toll on me.
Half an hour passes and I let the other patients go in first. At 9:30 I finally go in and my prof says:" You're still here? ". This particular moment I wanted to kill myself / kill him. What does he mean you're still here? Of course I am, he asked me to. I say : "Yes sir". Then he goes : "But why? ". Now, I am all red and my face is awfully transparent . Concealing with all effort I say:"Umm,Sir, I thought I'd thank you before I leave". He says:" Oh, Rukhiya, skip the formalities." Yeah right! But now? . Then he says: "Oh and by the way, don't worry much theres no problem we could detect yet, stay cool, things will be fine". I tell you if he hadn't said this much I would've gotten so $#^% at him!
As though all these goof ups were not enough when I exit the room I forget to pull the door along behind me. The consequence? It shuts with a large thud!

Sigh! If I were outside myself and was watching all this, I would've despised myself like hell.

Where? Oh, Where are my manners?

Disclaimer: The above post in no way means I am sophisticated always. I can be groggy, uncivilzed or more shrewd than the lowest creature on the planet. It's all in the day.

Road side..

The other day I was driving home from college. And I was speeding as usual. The roads here are pretty narrow and hugely residential [yes,the roads double up for homes for many people] and I had to really keep my hands glued to the brakes. Just when I was avoiding a kid running across, a man , of 50 , came up to stand in the way. My bike screeched to a halt and I was wondering what he was trying to do. I stopped to take a closer look. There was a little chicken that had been run over. It was obviously fighting its last and this man here took the time off to guard it.I do not completely understand the situation, but, to me , it seemed very strange and moreover it made me guilty. I do not know if it was a kind-er me, she would have taken the dying poor thing to a Vet or done something else. But it kept playing on my mind over and over again, until I wrote it here. I do not know if its going to stop with this, but I had to write it out.
.........................................................................................

Thia post is one I will keep updating.I'll add on to it . This new place teaches me LOTS of things.

Tag wag! :P- Words and Images!

I know its been LONG since I got here, but the previous post was self-explanatory about the break and the reasons :) Meena, love your 'come back' note *Hugs* :) . And Usha m'am, I'll be a good girl now :P [finally!]

Let me get done with this interesting tag thats been pending for long now. More appropriately because, its WORDS and IMAGES. There is nothing better, I've loved surely. :) Here goes:

The rule:
I'm supposed to be pasting an image for every answer of mine,from the first page of google image search,with minimal explanation.

Roll..

1. The age you will be in your next birthday:

I'd like to say this in that typical tone one of my friends says- Tontee too :P But damn, so soon, this one doesn't make me happy :S

2. A place you’d like to travel to:
I'd love to travel, the world over. I really don't care 'where'. All I wish to do is wander and breathe from a patch of a meadow, listen to the gurgle of water,run , or just be, somewhere. A little free, a little empty. :) If I HAVE to pick up a place, it would be Santorini, Greece. I've been hugely fascinated lately with these pictures I see of this place. This place beats all my ideas of heaven :)

3. Your Favorite place:
Of all places I have access to, it should be my room [Needless to say, the balcony too :) ]

[Not mine. Pretty much like mine. Same pinch to that someone who is as clumsy as me :P]

.. and a place I usually drive off to towards the city's outskirts- Calm and soothing :) Sadly, Google wont help with it, but I shall try giving the picture. *Searches*

This place :) [Dug this one out from the PC :P]

4. Your favorite food/drink:

Chicken :D I think I can eat ANYTHING in the name of chicken :P [Its passed by tolerance test, EVERY single time , so! :) ] And the image search took long,I was drooling :P


Drink- Water, preferably cool. NOT chilled :) [Favorite or not, it is one thing that doesn't sicken me :P]

5. Your favorite pet:
CAT! [ pat comes the reply :P ] Almost all my friends know I am a cat maniac :) THE best creatures on the planet :) And you needn't pet them, they'll take it when they want , anyway ;)


6. Your favorite color combination: Umm, blue and a certain soft brown, the color of skin. I go bonkers over this combination :) Absolutely sensuous and subtle :)

7. Your favorite piece of clothing: Pajamas and tshirt :D MOST comfortable, which explains why I am always lazing around in them ;)

8. Your all time favorite song: All-time favorite is VERY hard to pick. Erm, Heaven by Bryan Adams. I don't know why I chose this one, maybe because I've always felt it was for me. Just that much :)

9. Your favorite TV show: F.R.I.E.N.D.S. :)

and Oswald :D

10. Full name of your significant other: Significant other? Full name? Myself. Now, pick the first and second names out please ;)

11. The town in which you live in: Tirupati. Now, this image should be from some prehistoric era. Its less greener now, but green enough :)

12. Your screen name/nickname: Rukhiya- on/off screen. But,lately people have taken to calling me Rukhs. So that must be it :)Pick the 'Rukhs' part yourself! :|

13. Your first job: Was bad. Because I couldn't figure out what my 'job' was. :P [I am shtill in college, duh! ;)]

14. Your Dream Job:
To be a Pulmonologist :) Indeed my dream, but it won't look like a job to me :)

15: Bad Habit you have: Umm, I tend to think, people will 'understand' without me having to say something. And it turns out, this assumption is more often than not wrong. Sigh!

16. Your worst fear: Becoming someone I am not for a reason that is not mine.

17. The one thing you’ll like to do before you die: Say Au Revoir :P There are LOTS of things I'd like to do before I die. "God put me on earth to accomplish a few things, right now, I am so far behind, I'll never die" ;) That goes for me ;) And I usually end up doing all and everything I wish to do when I can so I am doing fairly well ;)

18. The first thing you’ll buy if you get $1,000,000: Umm, our old mansion-like-house. That's for mom and dad. :)

Phew! Done! :) Thoroughly enjoyed this one, thanks dearest! :) I'll tag off everyone reading this :D [A cue from teacher dear :P]

What 'New' Year brought and left ! :|

My blog screams *Where the F*** have you been?* :P

Seems I am not even loyal to this, sigh!

But I promise to return.

What I 'did' for New Years-

Night: Oh, I had the best time ever! Cool-ly out of mood, no one home, no great food, no calls [I did not take many] , a 2 day old chocolate pastry, a pounding head, Sweeet sleep and sweet dreams. Silence!
Morning: We , my gang of friends from coll and I,usually have no trouble having ad-hoc parties/lunches/'games'. But, on the day, we were all, sort of, *yeah, we'll go here*, *oh, no, not that one* *trek?* *Drive?* *No* *Yes* *No clue* *Bleh!* ALL of this and we ended up, only 5 of the 6, at my place and *danced* like crazy [Now whoever danced when in 'senses'!]. Anyway,I do not *dance* [Oh, I did dance once, this year*secret!*], and hence was screaming and playing the DJ AND getting all this on video. All for exactly two hours after which we did some more nonsense 'googling' and 'nothing'.
The rest of the day- Hermit! :) I am always so busy with myself :P

Ahead: Whats 'going-to-be':

Academic-Geeky,I know, but its really taken up a large chunk of worry in my head. The departments have great plans and were sweet enough to post us a HUGE timetable loaded on and off with exams till March end on new year's [Yes, WE have college on New Year's]. I am still counting on my good stars for the attendance,this year, I've been rather too easy to whims and I either over-slept or went out of mood just when I had a class to attend. The exams have been equally terrible, I've gotten tired of declaring after every exam that the paper was 'silly'! And then there is my 'forever- dream' of starting on the USMLE preparations. And in a few months, I'll be in the final year, yippie!! I see some end to it after all!

Friends- Have been ultra cool this year, the ones from coll. We, all girls, had rather too tiny fights. NEVER a proper fight! [It is another thing, that I'd run from the faintest sound of a fight, I get so pissed off by *rough* weather between people!]

Other friends- Read, friends off campus. Made loads of *friends-only* *<> Friends*. But then again, no one that may encroach, thankfully. :)

Found loads of new songs to sing, new poets to enjoy, new books to read [obviously :P], gadgets to go ga-ga about, food to cook and eat, new ways to while away time, new ideas for blogging, got to writing [Im still reluctant to gulp that bit down!], movie-watching, places to eat, etc etc.

Been dreamy, been practical, been this, been that. All of me :)

On the utterly personal front- I've been HAPPY!! [Though this has been, by far, the year, with the most no. of *cried-all-night, woke-up-dumb* days/nights. To sum up I am happy- seeing 'someone' for over a year, is wow! :P ]