Erm, what is the entire purpose of a blog? Is it a personal thing, a diary-like place to pour in your queer notions and the not so queer ones? Okay, I know of the 'informative' types of blogs, the 'entertaining' ones too, but I am here trying to reason out the existence of mine. Not one , but 3. One among them has a purpose, quite a superficial one though. I planned to write in and make a log of my experiences at the hospital. Erm not quite 'experiences', lets call it the 'work' there in and what I 'learn'. I go there now, only to refer or add something more to the 'reference'. There is nothing personal to it, so I don't quite mind its existence. Then comes the poetry blog [wasn't meant to be a 'poetry blog' either, it just transformed into one] .I am still shy to let someone read it. I mean I am not whom I can call a 'writer' or a 'poet'.In fact, I do not know how these professions came into existence. Its all such an exercise in introspection and emotions , to call someone a 'writer' or 'poet' must be so demeaning. At least to me, it is awkward. I do not enjoy when people comment that way.Also, its their choice anyway. I like comments which kind of scatter the meaning of the poem/prose in a new light or its own light.I enjoy , that , totally. Ok, I am digressing. So, I am not comfortable with that either. Someone reading what I think or feel. I am happy though, that most of them do not understand. I mean, a handful of my friends who insisted I show them the blog said they do not understand it at all.So, that is kind of comforting to me. And now this one, this blog, here, was supposed to be about anything I'ld like to voice, a platform sort of. But then again, today I couldn't avoid this paranoia that someone I totally don't know might be reading all this. I usually turn a blind eye to this demon of a thought, but today I really am hooked to it. What if someone reads it? What if someone meets me one day and says, oh you are Rukhiya, I read you! HOW disgusting that thought is to me! You can't possibly know a person from a blog. It so ruins the magic of a slow discovery or uncovering of a persona. Reclusive as I am, I would love to see myself come out slowly out of my shell, seek a thing or two, recoil, feel better, come back and so forth. And this is so much a spoil sport now :(
I think I hate it when someone says, I understand you/know you, totally. Understanding/Knowing is a comfort,is humane, totally is not!
I can go on about it..! Maybe I should just stop sharing in, or writing on my blogs but I am kind of happy I have a passive outlet in these things. The thought of being read doesn't always bother me so much anyway.
Go away, devil! Do not gag me!
*Talk about happy endings! bah! we are all so obsessed with it! :x
P.S.: This is called the delusion of reference :P My, my, what a hypochondriac I make! lol!