Sunday, March 22, 2009

Signs and 'in the moment'!

I am on a blogging spree, perhaps, lol! I was just talking about the seamless ways I can pour in my nonsense on these pages and here I am reinforcing it, looks like!
There is this feeling I have. About signs. Yes, I know , The Alchemist will be the immediate reference here, but I think Alchemist consolidated this idea I always had. Before I do something,I have positive and negative signs. Somethings which will tell me if what I am going to do is going to work out or not. There might not be anything religious or spiritual about it in my case, but such things happen to me. Happen to lots of other people also, but this is my blog, nay? So let me speak for myself :P lol!
I think of myself as this extremely impulsive being.I do, then think, unlike others who think before they act. And I haven't been free of trouble with this kind of attitude. And when doing, or acting on my impulses I am intuitive, very much so. Its like living in the moment and then ruminate about it at leisure. Ruminate a lot , actually. Not in an effort to alter / scheme whether this step was the reason I am here or the nonsense, but its like telling myself, you were given a moment and you did what you had felt like. Gives a certain pleasure. To be uninhibited and free of the moral tensions that play down the energy or enthusiasm of the situation you bring yourself to.
Gosh! I shall stop for today! * Mouth-shut! *

P.S.The title was 'Signs'. Due to my random blabbering I had to make it signs and 'in the moment'. Lol! How I digress, how wayward! lol!


Death anniversaries specially. Today I had been to my grandma's place. It is the death anniversary of my uncle. Maternal uncle. He had lost his life in a freak accident, was run over by a truck.I do not have many memories of him but I am told I was his pet. And I know he was the cynosure of my mom's eyes . My mom cannot stop crying about him, even though 19 years have passed since. A lot has changed, as it will.
I will not write about death. I had vowed not to. I cannot grasp the enormity of it or the insignificance of it, yet. Yes, it is both enormous and insignificant.
What I think about is this: How long do you remember a person, remember his death anniversary, mark that day with certain rituals or make the deceased persons favorite food and distribute among the needy [-is what my grandparents do each year!] ? How long?
I had seen this movie 'Before Sunrise' yesterday in which the protagonist says "I remember this grave the best, [the name plate reads elizabeth]. She was 13 when she died. I was 13 when I saw this.Now I am 23 years old and what about her? She is 13, still?"
There is something I might be missing in the connection between these two things/events. The lines in the movie and my own thoughts about the time to which we recount the memories of the deceased.
I shall conclude, soon.

I was thinking..

Erm, what is the entire purpose of a blog? Is it a personal thing, a diary-like place to pour in your queer notions and the not so queer ones? Okay, I know of the 'informative' types of blogs, the 'entertaining' ones too, but I am here trying to reason out the existence of mine. Not one , but 3. One among them has a purpose, quite a superficial one though. I planned to write in and make a log of my experiences at the hospital. Erm not quite 'experiences', lets call it the 'work' there in and what I 'learn'. I go there now, only to refer or add something more to the 'reference'. There is nothing personal to it, so I don't quite mind its existence. Then comes the poetry blog [wasn't meant to be a 'poetry blog' either, it just transformed into one] .I am still shy to let someone read it. I mean I am not whom I can call a 'writer' or a 'poet'.In fact, I do not know how these professions came into existence. Its all such an exercise in introspection and emotions , to call someone a 'writer' or 'poet' must be so demeaning. At least to me, it is awkward. I do not enjoy when people comment that way.Also, its their choice anyway. I like comments which kind of scatter the meaning of the poem/prose in a new light or its own light.I enjoy , that , totally. Ok, I am digressing. So, I am not comfortable with that either. Someone reading what I think or feel. I am happy though, that most of them do not understand. I mean, a handful of my friends who insisted I show them the blog said they do not understand it at all.So, that is kind of comforting to me. And now this one, this blog, here, was supposed to be about anything I'ld like to voice, a platform sort of. But then again, today I couldn't avoid this paranoia that someone I totally don't know might be reading all this. I usually turn a blind eye to this demon of a thought, but today I really am hooked to it. What if someone reads it? What if someone meets me one day and says, oh you are Rukhiya, I read you! HOW disgusting that thought is to me! You can't possibly know a person from a blog. It so ruins the magic of a slow discovery or uncovering of a persona. Reclusive as I am, I would love to see myself come out slowly out of my shell, seek a thing or two, recoil, feel better, come back and so forth. And this is so much a spoil sport now :(
I think I hate it when someone says, I understand you/know you, totally. Understanding/Knowing is a comfort,is humane, totally is not!
I can go on about it..! Maybe I should just stop sharing in, or writing on my blogs but I am kind of happy I have a passive outlet in these things. The thought of being read doesn't always bother me so much anyway.
Go away, devil! Do not gag me!
*Talk about happy endings! bah! we are all so obsessed with it! :x
P.S.: This is called the delusion of reference :P My, my, what a hypochondriac I make! lol!

Blah blah..

Now, I think most of my posts shall be titled 'blah, blah' since I really don't think I make so much sense in a soliloquy,which is totally for myself. I was wondering what is the one thing I hate the most. I knew it had to do something with an emotion I totally loathe and since I was in a situation recently I know exactly what I hate, at least one of the things I totally hate. And that is 'helplessness'. There is not a feeling that can beat this one. It sort of paralyzes you. Its so numbing , more so because in such a situation you cannot garner help from yourself, because it requires a third person, a person outside your body to look through, pick it up and alter it or address it. I am this person who will never ask for help, howsoever badly I may need it.And that in a matter of emotion I would never ever do. Silence, at times, is so lethal a mask. It seals your mouth and blocks your eyes, and no one seems to hear your voice or read from your eyes. And you are left hoping! A hollow hope is such a futile crop. Its almost like a fibre, which adds bulk and no proper nutrients/ carbs [erm that is the aftermath of too much community medicine, but yes, I imagine it that way!]. The trouble is to 'explain' to someone, trying to make them understand, then take help [EEW!]. To go against your own set of morals/rules is so hurting and painful. Erm, I'd rather not bring the feeling back. Not even to ruminate.

I fear another such incident , it drains me so! But as of now I am glad I am out of it ! Touchwood!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Random me- A tag! [Another tag ;)]

I think I do more tags than I write blog entries ;) Tags are fun to do. The ease of having questions asked and not having to think of what to write about is definitely more than welcome for my lazy bones. :D So, here is this tag, Random me, picked from Sash's . This darling girl has done it delectably [quite so with all the brinjal and fish ,lol :P]. My turn,
Here are the rules [Which I might not, erm, will not stick to anyway ;)]:
The Random Tag Rules : Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

You have to link the person who tagged you.

And here I go:

1. I am indecisive.

Hell, I am. This is by far the most constant attribute of me. I've always been, will be and am indecisive. Librans are born with this load on their body. They just can't decide. And I am so full of it I take an hour every damn morning to decide what I should wear to the college [No, its not about my concern to look good or the routine 'girly' thing. Even if I were a guy I'd take as much time :/ also that is one reason I loved school, there's a uniform and you don't need to decide. But, I used to, since I had 3 sets of uniform, I took time to pick one among them too. Sigh!]

2. If you tell me, I am not doing it.

No one can tell me/coax me into doing a certain thing. I do when I wish to do, when I feel upto it and I will not do it, most definitely, if someone asks me to. It actually irks me no end when people ask me to do something and people at home have an uncanny timing to tell me to do something, for example, study, right when I am mentally preparing to pick my book. The moment someone says it, it sort of bursts the entire idea that has been forming in my head. So, I will not study. It might look rude to a certain cross section of people, but wth. I cannot, will not. ;)

3. I think I am manipulative:

Very manipulative. I think I am the witchy kind and I bring people or events to a certain effect. I have that awareness of directing someone's emotion and when someone responds in the way I had charted it out, it makes me swell. Or so I think. ;)

4.OCD :

When I get obsessed, I get obsessed. I have this theory of a threshold- Anything if given repeatedly will wear its charm away. So I give that particular person/song/food to myself repeatedly, several times- If I grow over it, if I notice a decline in the feeling for it, there I know I can get over it. Those things I don't get over after my exercise in threshold testing, will remain as things I love. And however I try I will never get over them :)

5.I have silly games/theories/sounds:

LOTS of them! And I will get them going no matter if the person likes it or not. So much for pledging to tolerate me :D One such theory is [just to say, how silly I can be]- Aftercalls. If I like the person a lot [which always is since I am so extreme with emotion. I either like someone too much and get indulgent or I am just plain indifferent] and I happen to call/ the person does. After a lengthy conversation, (which will be a few hours) [now I am not the phone person but like I said I am on the extremes always], and we've said bye, I'll call back again. Say: This is an aftercall. A reminder to let you know all the time I just spent with you is special to me and I will miss you until next time :D Shyaah, my hopeless romanticism ;) [See the word, Shyaah? :D]

6.I am a night person:

I LOVE the night sky, the stillness of nights. I can study so well and I have such easy concentration at night. I can't study in the mornings, until dusk. I really can't. I am so active in the nights. la la la. :)


Okay, now this is a secret. I let myself be fallible at times. I have the consciousness of what I am doing, I know what I am saying but I will presume this is my fallible mode and whatever I do or say here is/ will be without consequence. Its a sort of refuge when I want to say something and my waking senses or morals will not help me. Bah! I will be dead! :P

8.Earth and sky:

Something that makes me smile. The Moon , the clouds, a patch of green, a homegrown flower. So innocent and so indifferent. They are my releases to my kind of world. Such peace.

9.I talk to myself:

And loud. I don't murmur or talk in a dreamed up cloud. I talk to myself in voice and clearly. And I LOVE doing that.

10. I am incorrigible and egoistic:

I have to end conversations, I have to satisfy my ego, and I will never grow out of the compulsion to do so. Never!

11.Reclusive silence:

I am the kind that will not speak for myself. I just won't talk and I expect people to just understand it if they will. If I like someone, if I dislike a certain thing, whatever it is , I just won't say. And its hurt me real bad a lot of times, but I still cant get over the habit. Maybe I am lazy there too ;)

12.I am easily complacent:

I can weave myself in a dense web of complacence even before I do something substantial enough to get complacent. This makes me over confident and again, I hurt myself bad. :S


I freak out on hygiene. No, I do not bath regularly, I am just too lazy to put myself through a bath. But I have to have clean feet, clean nails, clean hair, clean face,clean slippers too. Spotlessly clean. I feel so yuck when I see dirty feet or dirt in nails, I feel like throwing some water over them until they come clean or going and chopping that long grown nail off their hand :S I can't even tolerate someone sleeping on my bed or resting their head on the pillow. I start to think of disease transmissions, fomites, eew!

14.I love dusting:

I know this is silly, but wth we are talking random stuff, anyway.I love that feeling of dusting something and restoring its sheen. Gives me the feeling of an archaeologist :P Also, washing a dirty brown linen to white, ah, when you see the white, it is SO fulfilling. But, of course, the linen better be washable and it better get back to white with little effort , else, I'd burn it up. :D

15.. I look at the recipe book, everytime. :

:( I might be bright with academics, brainy, blah, blah, blah, but I just cannot, cannot ever cook something from memory.I have to look at the recipe book every single time, and with every step. I just won't remember, more properly, I am just not sure if what I remember is right :S

16.I read the newspaper backwards:

One habit, I can't get over. I read the newspaper starting from the last page. I've always been like this. Sometimes, I try to start from the first but I just can't read more than a page that way. Also, I have a habit of marking interesting stuff with pencil [yes, on the newspaper!] - I fear if this thread will be my passport to an asylum ;) :P

17.I think I am asylum material:[:P]

I really think so and sometimes go to the extreme lengths of trying to find out why I am not into one already. Maybe people haven't seen it yet , properly, they will if I come out of my room. Some day some one will take me to one. :P

18.Physiology of emesis:

I am very uncomfortable with crowds. I feel stuffed, like all these people are drawing up all the air and filling it with more CO2 and I have to breath that, THAT? No! Also, in the buses, those closed air-conditioned buses, I will most definitely throw up. And all this because the physiology of vomitting will be playing in my head on loop. :S

19.Confused in crowds:

I get very very confused when I see lots of people. Too much color, too many faces, glaring lights, I can't grasp the enormity with my two simple eyes.

20.I LOVE my solitude:

I can't ever give up this one thing, ever. I need time off all the stuff and with myself. This is more evident in the way I am always locked up in my room, always in my room.

21.I have sudden inspirations:

Like I said earlier, I'd do anything if I got an inspiration. If I feel like painting, I will then and there, if I feel like climbing onto the terrace , I will, even if there is no ladder. [Once I wanted to have a cinematic shower, I stepped on a tap and broke it. It was SO much fun fixing it up and having the shower of course! :D]

22. I pride myself on the general knowledge:

Dad and me keep this going at the dining table. And I LOVE it. Several guests think it a privilege to join our dining table discussions, yay! Also, I am a self-proclaimed techie. :D Atleast a beginner techi, erm, whatever, I am techier than the average man! ;P

23. Bad table manners:

Bad manners puts me off and that at the table it makes me want to throw up. I can't continue eating when I see someone scattering food and using up all their hands in the effort to eat. Eew, its SO gross! That said, I, sometimes, [when I am alone] try acting that out. Sit clumsily, eat even clumsily. All to know why I can't get over that hatred for clumsy eating. lol!

24. I enact stuff real well:

I can imitate people, enact their expressions quite well. This makes me the stand-up comedian at gatherings. Of course, the gathering should be of people I know, in the sense, only and only my cousins and aunts. The first relations. NO ONE else. Not even my friends. And if there is a person who thinks he/she can imitate, I'll never get up to perform. [I don't like indulging in a competition! Not a competition of humor atleast!]

25.I cry:

A lot! But there are certain rules to it. I do not cry in the moment. I won't cry in front of anyone [that will make me count as weak.] I will stack them all up until I reach a point where I cannot hold myself back and I start crying. Sometimes, though, I just feel like crying, and since I will not have an immediate reason, I will pick one reason from the stack. :P Now, this reason can be as old as 'someone- told- me- something- bad- in- my- 2nd- standard'. :S That random, I am! :D Also , after crying out to my heart's extent, I will go upto the mirror and console myself. :D

26. Yes, 26!:

:P I detest hypocrites, people who rape languages and pieces of information with their antics and half-knowledge [specially english], ignorant stunted heads, blah, blah-blah-blah. :D [There I am satisfied about breaking the rule :D]

Addendum:[This too! :P]
I can't tell my right from left - I need to take each of my hand to my mouth to see which is more natural and oft-repeated and then confirm :P Specially when giving directions, it has to be fast so I cover by saying- this side, this side :D
I can't tie my shoe lace and I eat food cold . :S :D

Ah, I think I can write another 25 things. :S

Sigh, why should the tag ask only 25. :P

*Deep breath* This was fun! SO much fun :) Thanks to all of those who've read it. Also to those who haven't [atleast their idea of my sanity will remain :D].

Go ahead, those who feel like doing it. It is fun reading too :)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

How long does love last?

I happened to pick this question on a friend's blog and I guess we all have a lot to say in answer to this question.
This is what I said: "As long as you wish it to. I guess its more about if you've had your fill. If you haven't, your ego [read love sick self] will keep pulling back all those shards of memories of time bygone wherein the entire idea of love translates to longing for fulfillment. If you have had your fill, as in properly reciprocated, then it lasts as long as you can remind yourself of your need for that particular love."

I am making a note here, because this is what I feel at this very moment, in all honesty. It is subject to change surely and I shall look to a day when I would want to erase this thing up and write something else in its place. It might be contradictory then or I may continue to think the same but I am making an exercise in a reality check. Erm, whatever! This is for myself. I'd like to hear what you have to say too :) Do leave a note. :)


I am, admittedly, a snob and care a lot [sometimes excessively] about manners et al. More so, when I am having a groggy day or I am just plain irritated. No, I'd not say anything outwardly but my face twitches and winces involuntarily.
But, there are days when my self acclaimed sophistication goes blank and it completely bemuses me. I start to wonder if it was indeed me who behaved in a certain way. Rather, some times, I am clueless about any form of manners and I suddenly feel the rub of being civilized or partly uncivilized or roughly uncivilzed.
One such experience is what happened yesterday.I was at the doc for a check up and this person is the assistant professor of Medicine at college.[Medicine being my fave branch, I am naturally a bright talent(atleast I pass off such impression) in the department and therefore I have a good rapport with the entire staff.] So, I walk over to his clinic and wait for him. I see him entering his cabin and I just smile[NO wish, nothing! After a few seconds I am like, good morning sir- this at 7:30 in the evening!]. He asks me to come in and I sit across and reel about the problem. After this is over he fixes an appointment with the consultant sonologist of the hospital and since the appointment was a few mins away he chats up until then. We discuss several things and my talk is conspicously free of any form of respectable addressing. Then we go over to the cabin of the sonologist. Here, the prof takes the lead and introduces me to this doctor who is also the head of the hospital.
Prof: Doctor, this is my pet student Rukhiya. She's the one I was asking you to screen.
[Turns to me]. You know this is Doc XXXXXXXX.
I nod my head in disagreement! I don't know the person,I've never heard/seen him before and my reflex goes nude and I nod to mean, no, I don't know!
As bad luck would have it, the doc saw me nodding. :S
Then on the table he asks me questions [one real disadvantage of being a medico is you are not spared the viva voce even on the operating table. So if you have a problem, you better diagnose it yourself , hold a bunch of differential diagnoses and study everything there is to know about it, if possible also brush up a related topic before you present yourself to a doc!] and I did not know how to answer from such an uncomfortable position :/
After this , he walks out of the room to his cabin & my prof asks me to take the other common exit out of the room. The fix here was whether I should go back and thank the sonologist first and then thank my prof or run to the prof's cabin assuming my talk would do for a thank you to the sonologist(also assuming that it'd be overly sweet/unnecessarily sticky to go the sonologist and give a huge thank you when he has 4 patients already waiting upon him). I had to act quick and I first got out of the room and went to the prof's cabin. When I enter , I goof up his conversation with another doc I know. I was caught between two docs I know and had to make it clear how I know each of them. Bah! Then I was asked to wait for a while outside [I clearly remember my prof saying this!]
In the waiting room, stranded and caught in all my confusion I was still considering going back to the sonologist and thanking him. I thought it was awkward of me to not do that first and if I went now, I'd make it even worse. All this was killing me and the day's running about and studying had already taken a toll on me.
Half an hour passes and I let the other patients go in first. At 9:30 I finally go in and my prof says:" You're still here? ". This particular moment I wanted to kill myself / kill him. What does he mean you're still here? Of course I am, he asked me to. I say : "Yes sir". Then he goes : "But why? ". Now, I am all red and my face is awfully transparent . Concealing with all effort I say:"Umm,Sir, I thought I'd thank you before I leave". He says:" Oh, Rukhiya, skip the formalities." Yeah right! But now? . Then he says: "Oh and by the way, don't worry much theres no problem we could detect yet, stay cool, things will be fine". I tell you if he hadn't said this much I would've gotten so $#^% at him!
As though all these goof ups were not enough when I exit the room I forget to pull the door along behind me. The consequence? It shuts with a large thud!

Sigh! If I were outside myself and was watching all this, I would've despised myself like hell.

Where? Oh, Where are my manners?

Disclaimer: The above post in no way means I am sophisticated always. I can be groggy, uncivilzed or more shrewd than the lowest creature on the planet. It's all in the day.