Who will cry when you die?

Cheesy,I know! But this one really got me thinking, after the innumerable rounds of dismissal of such 'not-my-type-of-talk' warriors, I got to this.I've become an expert at answering things on Orkut's forums and since I put so much effort, bringing them to log on this page!!

I am in no mood to edit- Understand/ Read at your own risk or ability. :)

"My first impression when I saw this thread, and the questions was to take a red pen and write one word next to every question, in bold- NONE!

Since tonight, I am in one of my nicer moods (which makes me feel upto taking a chance with answering this, I mean), I will answer, or try, my best :)

Who are your friends.. who likes you despite your flaws....?
My friends are those that can tolerate me. No one 'likes' flaws, for example, no one 'likes' a burnt toast, perhaps, you just dont care to point it out, or there is a better feeling you nurture inside for the person that it covers the minor showings of 'flaws'.

Who loves you unconditionally?
Umm, I never knew love comes on/with/under certain conditions?!!??!

Who are the people who go looking for you when you go missing?
I take breaks from people now and then, which is pretty much like going missing. And who's looked for me? Well, my friends, now, look for me, as in, to when I'll get back. If you are asking who will come and search for me,then its none. I would not like it much either. :)

Who are the people who call you up for advise,comfort,confiding?
I think I call and irritate my friends with my stuff :P (Which is comforting to both of us:P ) Those who can make me listen are also the same set, but they'll have to let me finish too ;)

Who accepts you as you are...?
I do not find much of complaining from anyone. They just say- 'Rukhiya, you are...' Now, the last word keeps changing between flattering/ swearing. So, I should think, I am accepted? (Sounds like 'We 'accept' mastercard :P)

Who is gonna miss you when you are not there?
Probably, my gang of friends at coll. Those are the only set I meet everyday. Rest of them- I am not continually in company! Miss me in their thoughts? A few close friends would, perhaps, when they think of our time together or when they would wish I were with them :)

Who CANNOT live without you?
What is more like a question to me is : Who CAN live WITH you? :)

Who tells you that you come FIRST in his/her life?
I've never cared about the numbering/ order- As long as I am in someone's life. Being the number one, should be good, or maybe, not as good. What do I care, anyway? No one ever 'told' me that :)

My friends= the ones I hold as friends.

Phew!! :)

Actually, Dolly- I am thankful to you. This thread indeed makes me realize things I've never addressed. Cheesy as it may sound, thank you so very much! "

How random is Random?

This is one of my fave questions-- How Random is Random??

Whenever I've said, my head is random, I have some nutcase around that coos in, 'me too'- And I feel like asking' How random do you think random is?' Are thoughts not related, isn't it a chain? Then it can't be random! Do you think out of the bound? Then perhaps it is, but can you wholly deny ANY link to the previous thought? Thought is a process, nay? Why do mine keep flying in and out like birds, in some scrambled pattern? Oh,if there is a pattern, I cannot be thinking random! Or maybe? Sometimes I just think I am random, and I think it pleases me to differ from the consensus, to be me- without another's thought influencing -which is when there is a pattern and absence of a randomness!
<>

I think I'll tag this one- meditations of an insomniac :P
And I'll keep adding to this one <"I have SO much to say I don't even sleep!"> :D

Holding hands..what does it mean to you? :)

I found this thread on the community,FIBJ owned by Sachin (Orkut). Putting it up here :) I'll tag my friends obviously. :)
Its simple : What does it mean to you...?
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The internet gyan says: Two or more people voluntarily hold hands for one of the following reasons and purposes:
...
1. handshake
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2. in certain religious services, to pray
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3. in various occult rituals
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4. to express friendship or love
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5. to enjoy physical intimacy
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6. for emotional support
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7. to guide (a child, a blind person, in darkness, etc.)
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8. to urge to follow
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9. to keep together (in a crowd or in darkness)
...
10.to help the other walk, stand or climb up
...
11. to dance
...
12. to arm wrestle
...

My answers :

1. handshake
Its not anything like holding hands- Very superfluous to me. So, it goes to people who've just been introduced to me [ This hasn't ever set well with me, my relations (intimate or otherwise) have never followed a formal introduction. :) ]
......
2. in certain religious services, to pray

.......
3. in various occult rituals
Excuse me, can I have an example of an 'occult ritual'? :P
.....
4. to express friendship or love
One of those HIGHLY romantic things for me. (Believe a Libran when she says that!).Takes less effort but gives such amazing feeling.
I've held hands with my friends for no reasons, when bored, and the hands hang lose by the shoulder/chair- Pat them, swing them to and fro. Feels so nice :)
Expressing love- Well, this is one thing a man SHOULD do when he proposes to his girl ! Better still, one thing he shouldn't forget to do ever! Speaks volumes :)
.......
5. to enjoy physical intimacy
Aye, you can end up finding your hand-twin :P :)
.......
6. for emotional support
On the contrary, how about hi-fives. Emotional support too :P
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7. to guide (a child, a blind person, in darkness, etc.)
I don't know about guiding. But help a child/old man to some place- See how your heart swells :)
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8. to urge to follow
Hehe, my friends will know this better! I always have *important* things to say, I pull them out and have them follow me :P
.......
9. to keep together (in a crowd or in darkness)
Never did this! I love getting lost, I think :P
........
10.to help the other walk, stand or climb up
Yeah, climb trees, climb walls :D Mom is always supposed to help me stand, if shes around! :D
.......
11. to dance
Aah!! *Dreamy eyes* :) :)
......
12. to arm wrestle
Duh! Look at my biceps! :P

What is yours?? I'd like to tag :

Meena

Sash

Usha ma'am

Prats

Sketch by Rahul :)

This one is a pencil sketch made by my friend, Rahul. Comments are welcome, more than welcome :)

Here is the reference : Elisha Cuthbert.

Exams!

Nothing, nothing changes about this one thing- Exams!

This is one common thread to all Indian students- Exams are exams- they affect each and everyone- the top scorer, the averager, the bpls, everyone :P

Common denominators/quotients/remainders/whatever!!

Terrified- The off color faces, once the date of the exam is passed on. Picture-perfect! :P
Petrified- The day before the exam - "I know nothing, yet!! Are we going to pass?? *The saddest, most helpless look ever*" - While on the inside - Shit, I have 10 more chapters to finish- I will!! *Battling that heavy drowning sigh :P*
Mugging- Days in, Nights out :D Cram!! There is no better word :D
Nauseating- In front of the exam hall when you have this terrible churn in the stomach that says- Oh ****!!!
Emesis- In the exam hall - I am just using a polished term :P

After the exam

- Discuss *Sshh, you've done your best - 'You are your only comfort', nay? :P*

Resume! Back to normal!! :)

[Disclaimer- This is the general consensus, through my cynical eyes- This ,in no way applies to me!! If you don't buy it(The above, or my disclaimer)- let me tell you, I have an exam morrow :D- Braveheart, eh? :P *I am just in NO mood to study! :(*]
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Things that amuse me / amuse everyone - in the time around exams :

- The capacity for adsorption- The tremendous ability that is granted to you, only and only the day before the exam. I guess it should fly away afterwards, there are ever so many people giving exams all over :P
- The zillion wonderful thoughts- I can think of the most 'wonderful' thoughts- those that are cheesy/mushy/funny/serious/world-changing/deeply introspective/retrospective/blah blah et al.
- I can make the most exciting friend or strike upon the most awesome piece of art/ poetry just then.
- I can get SO inspired to work harder, so very inspired! *again, the following day, there isn't one trace :P*
- I get all hungry, all so sleepy- but I have to stay up and eat lesser, duh! All the past days' hunger and sleep come calling only then!

Blah, blah- Since I am updating this part AFTER the exam, the other things seem to have abandoned me. So when its exam time again, expect an update. Of course, you are free to share in yours too :P

Storms of two kinds..!

Its been raining here, in a rather unusual way- Incessantly, lashing out on the town. This place, I've lived in all my life did not have so much of rainfall in end Novembers , atleast as far as I can recall- I come to attribute it to the usual suspect- Global warming ..! We've become so conveniently tuned into believing in Global warming- We seem to think it a natural phenomenon, not as something we humans have been instigating!

27 th Nov, the wedding anniversary of one of my uncles, that lives in Mumbai. A very distant one, that is much too busy, otherwise, took his wife and his mom out for a long drive and then planned on a fine dinner- Which they could not make to of course. While still turning down the lane of their house, they were bombarded with phone calls, most of which were from my Grandma, asking/ ordering them to get back home- NOW! They get tuned into the news in a minute and get home in no time. Not a very interesting story perhaps, since it does not involve much action. They are safe.

And that is as much we care about. During the torrential rains, we are pleasantly sipping coffee looking out of the window at times , cursing the delay in the networks, cursing the rain. In times of alarm, we call up our dear ones, once convinced of their safety, we sleep- We have so much work to do, all day, everyday. That is as much time we can spend. Oh yeah, the news. I get updates on my mobile device. Upward!

The slums in my city would've been wiped off the ground, on the first day of the rains- There were such scary winds!
The people in my country would've been buried into the ground, on the first day of the attacks- There were such scary acts!

What is excusable? A sleepy conscience? the hope-deprived walking corpses? The corpses? The men that executed such a heinous crime? The national intelligence? This ? That? Me? You? Us? Who?

Do, tell me quick, (Do not if you are pointing to me) - So I can sleep! I've got to wake up early-

My alarm screams at me! I still sleep - chilly winters!

Free spirited and Independent Award!!

Thank you, my dearest Teacher,Usha, and Shal, and Sash for this! I am indebted to the kindness showered and the honor shared. The tag sits rather heavy, for it isn't very easy to be Free spirited and Independent. Though that is how we are brought to Earth. To return to the elements, has never been easy. :)

And I give it back to you :)

Also to:

Meena

Soumya

Trinath

Jags

:)

So, as Instructed in the Ways of Award Presentation and Conferring, this is what has to be done, as I understand, from Usha ma'am :)

1. Put the logo on the blog by downloading the picture and adding it as a picture widget

2. Add a link to the person who presented it to you.

3. Pass this one, and link other bloggers that you'd like to share it with.

Feminism, the tag!

"You've been tagged on Overdrive on 'Feminism'- Usha"

Ever since I read these words in my inbox, I've been, well, kind of suddenly conscious of 'females' around me, when I should think it a pleasant surprise since I rate myself 'quite a feminist'. Of the singers that are females, the workforce at hospital, the female doctors, the women in the family. Its not like they are a rare species but the word makes me think about how these people are where they are today, whom did they struggle against, et al.Doesn't everyone of us have atleast one story to relate when asked about the discrimination? I can tell how it hurts to hear a male professor tell us, female students, that we need to be at home, doing our jobs there, if we can't measure up to men (all this came about because we did not answer one question, while the guys did not answer most of those asked!)- Of course, you could even take it for a challenge, and work yourself more severely, and outdo, which helps anyway. [Thank you, Prof. :P ;)]
I've never really found a meaning with holding a gender bias. I stand for a human, an individual that has immense capacity within his/herself to make or break anything he/she wishes to. Feminism, as a trend,(the mike-holding females that shout their lungs out) seems to highlight a kind of 'weakness' that never was. Gaining incentives on the basis of gender seems so much like driving a wrong point home, that we are in a certain kind of 'need' for such things.
But of course I think the tag comes handy to those that are aware of such a word. To those that are not, they are well, a weaker sex, in a predominantly patriarchal society. Being the daughter of a woman that is so fiercely independent, I am still of the opinion that 'feminism' is by itself a very high idea. Or why else would the common, below poverty line females that we encounter in the hospital each day come with such atrocious stories. This is not about financial independence either, since I have seen well-heeled relatives that still cower down to their husband's demands, or stay like a prop to go hand in hand to weddings. They do not know,they just submit.
I remember one of my friends asking me once what I thought of such atrocious acts as Rape- And I had said, the only reason is the exploitation of the freedom to have sex. That men , over- assert, women, never assert. Because things like this happen everywhere, even in marriages. Of course, I might be digressing, but what I chose to point out is the undermining of the moral or a basic right to live with as much individuality as each of us is born with.
Talking of the philosophy (words like individual, moral, feminism too)or the amount of reading that has let such ideas occupy our little heads, I really wonder how many of our 'successful' women(by which I mean the everyday examples around us, not the people on TV or in print) have had access to these. Most of them did not, and if you tell them of such a 'emotion' doing rounds, it might even come as a scorn to them.
To me, both feelings, Male Chauvinism or Feminism are extreme and impersonal, I view both of them in the same category of words that never should've been. If chauvinism was the epidemic of the time past, feminism is the current. Epidemics claim lives, they do not address or help any situation, they claim the weaker beings. And that is exactly what occurs when such ideas come up and occupy screen space or limelights.
If each individual, lived, worked, in full realization of his/her role, ability and responsibility, upholding the self-esteem of the fellow beings as well as he/she upholds his/her own, there would be no need for such debates or for that matter need for pumping into our dictionaries words of no actual meaning.

This is entirely a matter of perspective. Thank you for reading. You might want to debate any point up here, which is most welcome. :)

And I should think I've struggled enough to bring this piece up here- With the guys at the power station :P [Its been raining incessantly and hence after 10 power cuts- I post this :PThere you go! ;)]

In keeping with the tagging thing:
I'd like to tag, two :

Rini

Madeeha

:)

Time is never time at all..

That's how this song begins -Tonight, Tonight by Smashin pumpkins.
And that is also how most of our songs begin when we are sitting,looking long and throwing even longer shadows onto those remnants of yesterdays buried in some area of the brain, not exactly delineated or understood by Medicine.(Thankfully!)

This song has stayed with me ever since I've heard it and I think it most appropriate to go with this bit of myself that has settled here to recount my days. 21 years of life is not a great deal of living perhaps, overlooking the formative years and the rebellions, it might still not be time at all. Still, I, I have always answered my questions, like someone came up with a mike to me and tapped at my gut in a silent rustle and I respond -eating, walking, driving(first my cycle, then my bike)- whenever they came to me in my waking hours. (I might have done that in sleep too. Only, I do not have the memory of doing so. :) )

Now, with due apologies to Brinda and Alekhya (two of my very close friends, who always thought my life is one that should be in print. And I always grinned at them, my evil grin, since I know it wasn't much of a compliment, it only meant I am weird, very!:)) we shall move on to the tag and the questions :P

Yesterday

- Your oldest memories :

My oldest memories? I've been trying very hard to recall, which one dates the oldest. There are so many of them. Grandpa dropping me at school, my first day at school. I remember getting to school in time for the prayer time, and I was crying inconsolably though almost all of my cousins were with me( This is one thing I'll cherish so much about school, all of us siblings, cousins going to the same school- made us such a well-knit group! We would all have lots of friends and we knew each others friends, that made us know almost all of the school, all of the teachers. Sometimes we would proudly swell, 'Oh this teacher hasn't been here even as long as we've known this place' :P). My paternal grandpa, he was this person that was the voice of the family, anything he said was the rule. Very principled, lots and lots of self-esteem, he was even built so. I remember myself feeling left out since all kids seemed to have their own importance - I remember telling myself, I have to use my best talents, and then see why I can't be the best. And I remember my grandpa telling me I had a voice made for the mikes, he loved my diction, he would have me read the newspaper to him every morning.

I remember losing out on my medal in UKG (I know this is the biggest joke, but yeah, the kindergaten had this thing! :P) to another girl since I changed my school just a day before the award ceremony. I still went on to attend it, and did not cry. I remember mom being so happy.

Then, one day when I fell asleep, on the sofa, dad had carried me to my room. My dad never picks up kids since he has a fear he might hurt them, and I woke up in transit and then quickly closed my eyes, since I was feeling so good about being carried in dad's arms. I was listening to people around me saying- Ah , finally, this is how a man should learn to carry his daughter, this is how he learns. And all the giggles that followed it. My dad's arms and that proud feeling in my head and heart. All of my deceiving that I was actually sleeping gave me one moment I'll never ever forget. :) I must've slept so well that night :)

- What were you doing ten years ago?

10 years ago,I was a 10 year old :P I was in my 4th standard. Was using the word- 'Best Friend' for the first time. I had my own little group. I was being very jealous that the guy I had a crush on was falling for my bestie :P I had been caught once for writing something of the sort on paper- My class teacher found it in my notes and called me to the office and gave me a good nice lengthy lecture on it (This must be the first time since that I am talking about the incident- then I was ashamed, now I find it very funny :P). I was playing (which I did not after some time, I thought and still think it very taxing and indecent -indecent just because it makes me sweat and my lazy muscles work :P) all kinds of childish games- ham cheese hamburger sauce potato chip chip chip :P
Oh I was also delibrating at home what I should pick in my Work experience (which eventually was electrical gadgets) and Arts (I had chosen drawing and painting.) - This somehow has a very large influence on me, I think because until then my interests weren't streamed. These things really gave me what I liked most. I did so well in both the subjects, thoroughly enjoyed each and everyone of them classes :)

- Today

Today? Well, a more appropriate answer to this should stem from what I've been doing these past 3-4 years of my life. All my teenage was a real bumpy ride. Though it really looks smooth from the outside. :) Today, I am a 21 year old. I am pursuing what I always wanted to (Once, I had shown my grandpa that I had topped my class yet again and he had told me, I will believe you've got brains when you will be showing me such performance 10 yrs hence - He would be glad now, I think :))- Medicine has become a way of life- So much so, I think this is my one true love :) :)

Today, I am more aware of myself. Of my own being, inside of me. I know what she wants, what she desires. I might not know the answers to her 'How?' or 'Why?' but I am taking real good care of her.Almost like I pet myself. I listen to her, talk to her and live with her. I have kept myself open to knowledge about, just about anything and everything. I've let my interests and hobbies flourish, I feel more complete than ever before. I am indifferent, stoic when I wish to be. I have my own sphere of existence.I am confident and when I love, I love entirely. I have known several tragedies, family responsibilities, and all this, more than bending my spine, have made me more complacent and at some sort of peace with myself. Turbulence comes and goes, but what is fluid also knows to be placid :) Of course, my indecisiveness has stayed on, but I've come to laugh at it too.I have lots of good and bad behind me. Mostly I've lived off like I want and wish to.Society and conventions- I am giving them an evil grin :)

- Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I am going to be better in control of my mood, which I haven't been today.I am going to attend the 8'o clock class (Again, my sleeping-sickness doesn't allow itself to be commanded by a clock- I am an owl :)) I am going to finish off writing the CNS case and present it and do it all properly. I am going to peer through all those glass screens to catch a glimpse of who I wish to see everyday.I am going to smile, my loveliest smiles, even without my knowing- this happens involuntarily ;) I am going to be nicer to my friends who have been exhausting every nerve and sinew to ask me the reason behind my bad and sad mood. Not that I will talk about it, I'll just put it behind and laugh that insane laugh we always do in my group. Falling forward and laughing our tummies out :P And of course, I am going to study better , do my routine stint at internet and after everything- I'll read all of this again, before I go to sleep :P

- What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?

Oh I was always thinking and imagining myself 7 years hence, since by then I would have finished my PG (by hook or crook :P). 14 years from now,I must be married. I should've had a kid or two and I must be working real hard to get them and my own career on a nice scale :) I would be, if everything goes fine, with the man I love, or rather still be as fondly in love with my man. I really have a thing since I was a kid about having a family picture- Which shall give me immense joy to look at, filled with the smooth placid emotion that frame would contain. I would be, or hope I would still retain my choice and flair for my interests.May be I'll have gone round the world too. All in all I should really hope I will be doing good.Life should be great at 35 :)

- If you build a time capsule, what would it contain?

Well, if this question was meant to ask me what I cannot live without, I should say I can do without most things. The people I love, I shall always carry them within my heart. The rest of the things are very materialistic. So I should be taking a pretty big chunk from the Earth if I had to go out in a time capsule- Love and lovely things are so conspicuous by their absence :) The World shall be awfully at loss, if I could take all I love with me :)
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I should really love to read this after I've lived that long. Some day, Somewhere :)