Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Time is never time at all..

That's how this song begins -Tonight, Tonight by Smashin pumpkins.
And that is also how most of our songs begin when we are sitting,looking long and throwing even longer shadows onto those remnants of yesterdays buried in some area of the brain, not exactly delineated or understood by Medicine.(Thankfully!)

This song has stayed with me ever since I've heard it and I think it most appropriate to go with this bit of myself that has settled here to recount my days. 21 years of life is not a great deal of living perhaps, overlooking the formative years and the rebellions, it might still not be time at all. Still, I, I have always answered my questions, like someone came up with a mike to me and tapped at my gut in a silent rustle and I respond -eating, walking, driving(first my cycle, then my bike)- whenever they came to me in my waking hours. (I might have done that in sleep too. Only, I do not have the memory of doing so. :) )

Now, with due apologies to Brinda and Alekhya (two of my very close friends, who always thought my life is one that should be in print. And I always grinned at them, my evil grin, since I know it wasn't much of a compliment, it only meant I am weird, very!:)) we shall move on to the tag and the questions :P


- Your oldest memories :

My oldest memories? I've been trying very hard to recall, which one dates the oldest. There are so many of them. Grandpa dropping me at school, my first day at school. I remember getting to school in time for the prayer time, and I was crying inconsolably though almost all of my cousins were with me( This is one thing I'll cherish so much about school, all of us siblings, cousins going to the same school- made us such a well-knit group! We would all have lots of friends and we knew each others friends, that made us know almost all of the school, all of the teachers. Sometimes we would proudly swell, 'Oh this teacher hasn't been here even as long as we've known this place' :P). My paternal grandpa, he was this person that was the voice of the family, anything he said was the rule. Very principled, lots and lots of self-esteem, he was even built so. I remember myself feeling left out since all kids seemed to have their own importance - I remember telling myself, I have to use my best talents, and then see why I can't be the best. And I remember my grandpa telling me I had a voice made for the mikes, he loved my diction, he would have me read the newspaper to him every morning.

I remember losing out on my medal in UKG (I know this is the biggest joke, but yeah, the kindergaten had this thing! :P) to another girl since I changed my school just a day before the award ceremony. I still went on to attend it, and did not cry. I remember mom being so happy.

Then, one day when I fell asleep, on the sofa, dad had carried me to my room. My dad never picks up kids since he has a fear he might hurt them, and I woke up in transit and then quickly closed my eyes, since I was feeling so good about being carried in dad's arms. I was listening to people around me saying- Ah , finally, this is how a man should learn to carry his daughter, this is how he learns. And all the giggles that followed it. My dad's arms and that proud feeling in my head and heart. All of my deceiving that I was actually sleeping gave me one moment I'll never ever forget. :) I must've slept so well that night :)

- What were you doing ten years ago?

10 years ago,I was a 10 year old :P I was in my 4th standard. Was using the word- 'Best Friend' for the first time. I had my own little group. I was being very jealous that the guy I had a crush on was falling for my bestie :P I had been caught once for writing something of the sort on paper- My class teacher found it in my notes and called me to the office and gave me a good nice lengthy lecture on it (This must be the first time since that I am talking about the incident- then I was ashamed, now I find it very funny :P). I was playing (which I did not after some time, I thought and still think it very taxing and indecent -indecent just because it makes me sweat and my lazy muscles work :P) all kinds of childish games- ham cheese hamburger sauce potato chip chip chip :P
Oh I was also delibrating at home what I should pick in my Work experience (which eventually was electrical gadgets) and Arts (I had chosen drawing and painting.) - This somehow has a very large influence on me, I think because until then my interests weren't streamed. These things really gave me what I liked most. I did so well in both the subjects, thoroughly enjoyed each and everyone of them classes :)

- Today

Today? Well, a more appropriate answer to this should stem from what I've been doing these past 3-4 years of my life. All my teenage was a real bumpy ride. Though it really looks smooth from the outside. :) Today, I am a 21 year old. I am pursuing what I always wanted to (Once, I had shown my grandpa that I had topped my class yet again and he had told me, I will believe you've got brains when you will be showing me such performance 10 yrs hence - He would be glad now, I think :))- Medicine has become a way of life- So much so, I think this is my one true love :) :)

Today, I am more aware of myself. Of my own being, inside of me. I know what she wants, what she desires. I might not know the answers to her 'How?' or 'Why?' but I am taking real good care of her.Almost like I pet myself. I listen to her, talk to her and live with her. I have kept myself open to knowledge about, just about anything and everything. I've let my interests and hobbies flourish, I feel more complete than ever before. I am indifferent, stoic when I wish to be. I have my own sphere of existence.I am confident and when I love, I love entirely. I have known several tragedies, family responsibilities, and all this, more than bending my spine, have made me more complacent and at some sort of peace with myself. Turbulence comes and goes, but what is fluid also knows to be placid :) Of course, my indecisiveness has stayed on, but I've come to laugh at it too.I have lots of good and bad behind me. Mostly I've lived off like I want and wish to.Society and conventions- I am giving them an evil grin :)

- Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I am going to be better in control of my mood, which I haven't been today.I am going to attend the 8'o clock class (Again, my sleeping-sickness doesn't allow itself to be commanded by a clock- I am an owl :)) I am going to finish off writing the CNS case and present it and do it all properly. I am going to peer through all those glass screens to catch a glimpse of who I wish to see everyday.I am going to smile, my loveliest smiles, even without my knowing- this happens involuntarily ;) I am going to be nicer to my friends who have been exhausting every nerve and sinew to ask me the reason behind my bad and sad mood. Not that I will talk about it, I'll just put it behind and laugh that insane laugh we always do in my group. Falling forward and laughing our tummies out :P And of course, I am going to study better , do my routine stint at internet and after everything- I'll read all of this again, before I go to sleep :P

- What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?

Oh I was always thinking and imagining myself 7 years hence, since by then I would have finished my PG (by hook or crook :P). 14 years from now,I must be married. I should've had a kid or two and I must be working real hard to get them and my own career on a nice scale :) I would be, if everything goes fine, with the man I love, or rather still be as fondly in love with my man. I really have a thing since I was a kid about having a family picture- Which shall give me immense joy to look at, filled with the smooth placid emotion that frame would contain. I would be, or hope I would still retain my choice and flair for my interests.May be I'll have gone round the world too. All in all I should really hope I will be doing good.Life should be great at 35 :)

- If you build a time capsule, what would it contain?

Well, if this question was meant to ask me what I cannot live without, I should say I can do without most things. The people I love, I shall always carry them within my heart. The rest of the things are very materialistic. So I should be taking a pretty big chunk from the Earth if I had to go out in a time capsule- Love and lovely things are so conspicuous by their absence :) The World shall be awfully at loss, if I could take all I love with me :)
I should really love to read this after I've lived that long. Some day, Somewhere :)


  1. ah! a delightful read rukhiya!! loved to know the rukhiya f yesteryears!!! :)

    welcome to the world of blogging :P hehehe!!

  2. Bravo, and kudos! Am coming back to this one! By the way , you've been tagged, at my space too.. Overdrive, on feminism.. :D!!

    Nicey nice!!

    The blog looks lovely, very high definition n all.. great job.. am going to take lessons from you :)

  3. @Sash- All mutual, enjoyed reading yours too, immensely! Foreign kid! :P ;)

    @Usha ma'am- Lol! Lessons from me? And I thought I have been utterly lazy with setting up the blog :P :D