Per diem

Dissolve

2011-08-15T16:12:00.002+05:30

I am Al-Kahira, the comparer of nonsense and flowers.

I am grateful for my stupidity, admitted easily, yet I am concerned with specific details of style as I sit here in rags.

By circumstance not by choice this shrub has blossomed: by choice and not by circumstance this life has been kept plain.

I made an effort and found stuff to ignore, leaving rusty strings unstruck.
I neglect the spectacular and overlook the apparently important with deliberation.

I've waited aeons for the reversal of my interests: Now life has become the joke and the sweetness and hilarity of my own thoughts have turned into a point of fascination for me.

No matter what anyone tells you: I don't belong to any creed or sect, culture or race, nor to any period in history.

My only qualification is the age of my soul: I own three hillside palaces of quiet pre-dawn moon sound.

Humiliation is my clothing that I wear to sit and bark with the dogs. I disconnect like dusk and most likely no one will bring flowers to my grave.

I am ardent without deed and I am information zero, unimportant iridescent: Grand Palace of Mercy.

Till now I stayed in one place not avoiding you: now that the traditions are beginning to dissolve, I put on my winter coat and walk away. Business done.

[This is one of those unforgettably beautiful posts I've ever come across on a blog. Yes, the post, I am saying, in its entirety. The choice of words, the language, the emotion is already replete with beauty and poise and the picture chosen by this blogger has made it perfect for me and I am not going to make any amend. Although I've read it in other places, this is the real one for me : http://whilethereisstilltime.blogspot.com/2007/10/walk-away.html]

No feeling is final

2011-08-15T16:06:00.000+05:30

"Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final"
- Rilke

2011-08-15T16:04:00.002+05:30

"Deeply I go down into myself. My god is Dark and like a webbing made of a hundred roots that drink in silence."

- Rainer Maria Rilke

2011-08-15T16:01:00.001+05:30

Hobbes, do you think human nature is good or evil? I mean, do you think people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies? Or, as a third possibility, do you think people are just crazy and who knows why they do anything?

Calvin & Hobbes, Bill Watterson

Where you have landed, stripped as you are.

2011-08-15T15:58:00.001+05:30

I know you are reading this poem which is not in your language
guessing at some words while others keep you reading
and I want to know which words they are.
I know you are reading this poem listening for something, torn
between bitterness and hope
turning back once again to the task you cannot refuse.
I know you are reading this poem because there is nothing else
left to read
there where you have landed, stripped as you are.

- Adrienne Rich, 'From an Atlas of the Difficult World'.

Tribal workers

2011-08-15T15:53:00.005+05:30

"The notion that one can do anything is clearly liberating. But life without constraints has also proved a recipe for endless searching, endless questioning of aspirations. It has made this generation obsessed with self-development and determined, for as long as possible, to minimise personal commitments in order to maximise the options open to them. One might see this as a sign of extended adolescence.

Eventually, they will be forced to realise that living is as much about closing possibilities as it is about creating them."

- Thomas Barlow

An extremely pertinent thought, put into words, meticulously so. Shared by a dear friend, Madeeha. Read the full article, here:
The Financial Times : Tribal Workers

2011-08-15T15:42:00.004+05:30

I walk slowly, like one who comes from so far away he doesn't expect to arrive.

- Jorge Luis Borges, “Boast of Quietness”

2011-08-15T15:39:00.005+05:30

"You can woo a girl with a poem, but you can't hold onto her with a poem. Not even with a poetry movement"
--- Roberto Bolano (The Savage Detectives)

Colors

2011-08-15T15:18:00.005+05:30

When your face

Appeared over my crumpled life

At first I understood

Only the poverty of what I have

Then its particular light

On woods, on rivers, on the sea

Became my beginning in the coloured world,

In which I had not yet had my beginning

I am so frightened, I am so frightened

Of the unexpected sunrise finishing

Of revelations

And tears and the excitement finishing

I don’t fight it, my love is this fear,

I nourish it who can nourish nothing,

Love’s slipshod watchman

Fear hems me in.

I am conscious that these minutes are short

And that the colours in my eyes will vanish

When your face sets.

Yevgeny Yevtushenko

I am Right Here, I am With You, and I Love You

2011-08-15T15:14:00.003+05:30

I'd come across this Post title on Asha's blog : 'While there is still time'. Although it was about something entirely different from what I had expected it to be, the ring of the title gave me a strange and peculiar sense of security. Maybe in another mind I'd dismiss the 'cheesy-ness' but from where I am dangling now this is what it seems to me like : Three sets of words. Easily conjoined. The sheer simplicity pleasantly warming. Where has simplicity gone? Why are we so afraid? Of so many things? Of so many such simple things!

2011-08-15T15:13:00.000+05:30

"Fate gives all of us three teachers, three friends, three enemies, and three great loves in our lives. But these twelve are always disguised, and we can never know which one is which until we’ve loved them, left them, or fought them."
— Gregory David Roberts (Shantaram)

2011-08-15T15:10:00.000+05:30

It is fortunate to be of high birth, but it is no less so to be of such character that people do not care to know whether you are or are not.

Jean de la Bruyere, essayist and moralist (1645-1696)

The Laughing Heart

2011-08-15T14:36:00.003+05:30

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

-- by Charles Bukowski

I need not go

2011-02-25T01:10:00.001+05:30

I need not go
Through sleet and snow
To where I know
She waits for me;
She will wait me there
Till I find it fair,
And have time to spare
From company.

When I've overgot
The world somewhat,
When things cost not
Such stress and strain,
Is soon enough
By cypress sough
To tell my Love
I am come again.

And if some day,
When none cries nay,
I still delay
To seek her side,
(Though ample measure
Of fitting leisure
Await my pleasure)
She will riot chide.

What--not upbraid me
That I delayed me,
Nor ask what stayed me
So long? Ah, no! -
New cares may claim me,
New loves inflame me,
She will not blame me,
But suffer it so.

- Thomas Hardy

Unfinished autumn

2011-02-17T19:52:00.001+05:30

I'll help the roving eye,remember:

Its one colour
After its soul is scattered-
Distilled into heavy orange
Deep lake-blue
Then , uninterpreted,
Still, darkness.

Until I open, helped by dull landmarks,
Like a street - Gravel, mud, concrete,
Sometimes bougainvillea on the sides
Or plain endlessness without a chance for a detour.

The trapped-song of that bright green tree
Bustling in the crowd of its own leaves
While others melt into elegant gold flakes
Obliging, without the music.

That it was I, a terrible conflict called 'us'
Who lived.
And then stopped .............
......................................
[Awkwardly]

Upon us all a little rain must fall

2011-01-15T13:04:00.002+05:30

This is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
Time to time.

Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...
But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I see the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall

In Praise of Self-Deprecation

2010-12-25T16:17:00.002+05:30

The buzzard has nothing to fault himself with.
Scruples are alien to the black panther.
Piranhas do not doubt the rightness of their actions.
The rattlesnake approves of himself without reservations.

The self-critical jackal does not exist.
The locust, alligator, trichina, horsefly
live as they live and are glad of it.

The killer-whale's heart weighs one hundred kilos
but in other respects is light.

There is nothing more animal-like
than a clear conscience
on the third planet of the Sun.

-Wistawa Szymborska

The Plain Sense Of Things

2010-12-25T15:14:00.004+05:30

After the leaves have fallen, we return
To a plain sense of things. It is as if
We had come to an end of the imagination,
Inanimate in an inert savoir.
It is difficult even to choose the adjective
For this blank cold, this sadness without cause.
The great structure has become a minor house.
No turban walks across the lessened floors.

The greenhouse never so badly needed paint.
The chimney is fifty years old and slants to one side.
A fantastic effort has failed, a repetition
In a repetitiousness of men and flies.
Yet the absence of the imagination had
Itself to be imagined. The great pond,
The plain sense of it, without reflections, leaves,
Mud, water like dirty glass, expressing silence

Of a sort, silence of a rat come out to see,
The great pond and its waste of the lilies, all this
Had to be imagined as an inevitable knowledge,
Required, as necessity requires.

- Wallace Stevens

I am Much Too Alone in this World

2010-12-19T00:02:00.002+05:30

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.

I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection,
never be blind or too old
to uphold your weighty wavering reflection.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent;
for there I would be dishonest, untrue.
I want my conscience to be
true before you;
want to describe myself like a picture I observed
for a long time, one close up,
like a new word I learned and embraced,
like the everday jug,
like my mother's face,
like a ship that carried me along
through the deadliest storm.

Piya bin chain

2010-12-05T16:59:00.003+05:30

When You Are Old

2010-11-04T22:03:00.003+05:30

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

- W.B.Yeats

Selecting a Reader

2010-09-16T19:11:00.002+05:30

First, I would have her be beautiful,
and walking carefully up on my poetry
at the loneliest moment of an afternoon,
her hair still damp at the neck
from washing it. She should be wearing
a raincoat, an old one, dirty
from not having money enough for the cleaners.
She will take out her glasses, and there
in the bookstore, she will thumb
over my poems, then put the book back
up on its shelf. She will say to herself,
"For that kind of money, I can get
my raincoat cleaned." And she will.

-Ted Kooser

Nothing

2010-08-28T22:15:00.002+05:30

[ Stumbled upon this one. Written not too long ago, I think ]

Now. This moment here. I want to write.
Writing mustn't be a want, it must be natural, but I am unsure of using the word 'mustn't'. Must and must-not are just too exhausting to peg onto my fingertips. My thoughts, my only constant companions were waiting, floating like huge gas filled balloons on a lake, and now that I wish to rescue them they have streaked out into their original darker colors. Sometimes I can't draw comparisions and my metaphors and similies are absurd.
I've been thinking of many things, new and old. Several words have redefined their tight meanings and settled in new voluminous formless clouds. Several people have come and left, and some keep coming and going. Each time, they alter something, misplace a thought or two and in the end I am comfortable about gaining on more misplaced thoughts. One more feeling which will perhaps make the knowledge of myself more understandable. I've been thinking of you and I don't fear reading this a little later in my life. You could become more than you are by then or become several times lesser. Who's to say. I couldn't believe myself though it was me and entirely me who froze in time and then one day wore summer on her sleeves. I outshone my own dullness and thus proved that I can let things go.Of course I have you.
You, who seem everything. I do not see you yet, as a God. I see your absence, like a crater in my soul. Like something that grew on the surface of my soul has been removed.
But then, there is hope. Hope, is so new, so surprising in its magnitude. The moment it stepped into me, it paralysed several doubts. Hope itself, is so scary though. Why do we have a word like blind-hope, isn't all hope blind or isn't it hope that blinds a person? I am yet to know if my hope can see. I am on the course. The course which is blind, uncertain. Things I love must guide me.
Then there is courage, another word that is acting strange. I had known it, yes. I have called myself courageous on several occasions. This time though it seems to empower me, silent. I feel strong, and it has got nothing to do with muscles and their girth. I am returning to the words you said, Hope. Yes, leave that to me. Rather, let me have a share of it. I might as well hope. I do not see anything from here. Several years hence I do not know what this will looked upon as. If you read this now, I do not know how I will be looked upon. Perhaps, it'll fall as a pebble in a sleeping lake, or perhaps it'll come as a tide. Somehow I think the world must've been upturned. I think we might be hanging from the ground and water too hangs from the sea-bed, perhaps the air around us is thick oil and it lets us be. I cannot justify it though.
I now think of countries, warring, divisions. I think of living in a country that is not mine.I think of you outside your country and I do not like it. I think of us, in a room and getting bored of each other yet I long for your presence. [What is getting bored of each other? We might not talk too much but too much is what makes things boring.] Imagination or hallucination or whatever they call it is wonderfully spacious. It is never too small to hold the zillion figments of my future, the real and the unreal one. I claim that I never write what I do not see. But I do, I fear I will today too. Since I have some invisible part of me stay with you and it tells me the experience. And it scares me that I've given my senses, my perceptions to you, to stay with you, to be guided by you.I cannot, though, give myself entirely, or so I tell to give my unseen ego a temporary pleasure. I can see it smile from a nook, seems more like a mock. On a nice winter day when it can't snow since I live on the uncomfortable latitude it rains and that brings enough pleasant weather to me. I have been willing to continue but I fear I might recourse it, lest I say too much. I have quite forgotten the repercussions that follow a fountain of speech. I look at myself near a fountain, gathering the sprinkling water. I would like that. I might strike out or go back on a word or two. I might write an opaque poem. I might stop a rain. I might stop the Earth from turning. I might want you. In acknowledgement of the calmth you've brought to me. The calmth that envelopes all the words I have dug up from the mud.
Beauty is too heavy and pompous a word to convey the subtlety. I wish to live.Like the passing of a night, I wish to die.

2010-08-26T16:21:00.001+05:30

"There is something about watching your mouth when you speak that excites me — and it is more than the knowledge of their touch.”

- Abandoned Books and Marginalia

Places

2010-06-13T16:35:00.003+05:30

What do you remember of the old house?
The smell of it.
How did it smell?
I could find the old house by my impressions of it, even if contributed only by the perceptions of my nose and the storage corners of my mind. It's like they have assumed corners, and the odors have been neatly shelved- The smell from the kitchen grasping the dining area like in an aged, frail fist, while the kitchen smelled of mom (or was it mom who smelled of it before she'd wash away the clues of that lilting quality of clove and cardamom from her fingertips?). The smell of each of the bedrooms- smelling of it's owner- in rebellion, fiercely independent- of her very own separate dreams in a house meant to be a collective cloud. The store room- smelling like a heavy heart . The washroom- a strange cocktail of everyone's favorite toiletries.The smell of the terrace wild with the home-grown lilies, lazy breath of button roses and the sticky balm secretly emanating from the money-plant. The porch, always, inebriated. How the odors of the drawing room never remained the same- That was the only area frankly deceptive and confusing. Only that confused me of home.

Bicycle

2010-06-13T15:20:00.004+05:30

|Reception|

Name?
Syed Mir Saheb.
Okay. [(typing) S-y-d-a-n S-a-h-e-b]. In-patient number: 56783

|Casualty|

What's your name?
(Breaking voice) Syed Mir Saheb Doctor.
Okay. [(Writing) A male patient by name Syclan Saheb aged 67 years presented to the hospital at 3:04 a.m. Alleged to have sustained a fall from the bicycle while going to the fields on the outskirts of xxxxxxx.]

|Ward|

Doctor, could you pass the list of patients who need injections?
Here, doctor.
Where is Syclan Saheb?
In the post-op ward.
Okay.

|Post-op ward|

(Calling out) Syclan Saheb?
[No answer]
(Calling out) Syclan Saheb?
Doctor, there is only Syed Mir Saheb here.
Oh, how did he get hurt?
He had a fall from the bicycle, doctor.
Oh, it is him then. Alright.

|Operation- theater|

Sydan Saheb, do you feel any tingling or numbness?
Yes, doctor. I can't feel my limbs.
Great! You will do just fine.
Doctor, can I just go out for a day?
For what?
I want to walk. I want to walk to anywhere. No, I will walk to my village and see my grandson once. I was cycling to the fields to get him some mangoes. I will give him those I'd gathered and I'll return for the operation and stay as long as you would advice me to.
But, you can't walk. Unless you are operated on, your legs can't support you. Please relax.
(Looking into a distance) Okay.

|Acute Surgical Care|

Doctor, he's deteriorating.
He was well until he was wheeled out. I had checked his vitals.
Yes, he was. When he was being wheeled out, he was good too. Right after we got him here into the room, he's started to deteriorate.
[Resuscication begins.]
[Ends.]
We're sorry for your loss.

|Death-Registration|

What's the patient's name?
Sydan Saheb, doctor.
(Relative) Doctor, his name was Syed Mir Saheb.
Oh but the entries show his name is this, Sydan Saheb. And the certificate will be issued in this name. I think there's been a mistake on our part. You must get the name changed. You will have to ask the MRO and present a arzi for change of name. You can claim the body now, though.
(Wife) That will take long. (Leaves.)

Until then, he might reach home to where his grandson is waiting. Wheeled on the stretcher, hurrying, thinking, he was indeed riding his rickety bicycle. Bringing home the season's last mangoes.

2010-06-12T18:46:00.001+05:30

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known."

-Chuck Palahniuk

Returning

2010-06-01T15:03:00.003+05:30

What did you do?
Lots of things.
Tell me about them. Have you brought pictures?
No
Why not?
I couldn't. I couldn't pause to.
You should've stayed longer then..
Yes, I should have.
What will you eat? I think you should take a bath. Have you bought something? Why don't you empty? You should straighten up. When did you return, anyway?
Just some time ago.

Confined Love

2010-05-16T23:31:00.005+05:30

I've never been a great fan of Donne's poetry except for his tendermost romantic verses. Today, though, I've been pleasantly surprised with the following verse- Its hard to imagine- a man against the background of such times in which he lived(21 January 1572 – 31 March 1630) writing this exceptionally sensitive debate of confinement and repression of women. Kudos, really!

Some man unworthy to be possessor
Of old or new love, himself being false or weak,
Thought his pain and shame would be lesser
If on womankind he might his anger wreak,
And thence a law did grow,
One might but one man know;
But are other creatures so?

Are Sun, Moon, or Stars by law forbidden
To smile where they list, or lend away their light?
Are birds divorced, or are they chidden
If they leave their mate, or lie abroad a-night?
Beasts do no jointures lose
Though they new lovers choose,
But we are made worse than those.

Who e'er rigged fair ship to lie in harbours
And not to seek new lands, or not to deal withal?
Or built fair houses, set trees, and arbors,
Only to lock up, or else to let them fall?
Good is not good unless
A thousand it possess,
But dost waste with greediness.

John Donne

Though it is also deplorable and immensely sad that the scenario painted here hasn't undergone a palpable change, yet.

I Am Learning To Abandon the World

2010-04-25T17:36:00.000+05:30

I am learning to abandon the world
before it can abandon me.
Already I have given up the moon
and snow, closing my shades
against the claims of white.
And the world has taken
my father, my friends.
I have given up melodic lines of hills,
moving to a flat, tuneless landscape.
And every night I give my body up
limb by limb, working upwards
across bone, towards the heart.
But morning comes with small
reprieves of coffee and birdsong.
A tree outside the window
which was simply shadow moments ago
takes back its branches twig
by leafy twig.
And as I take my body back
the sun lays its warm muzzle on my lap
as if to make amends.

- by Linda Pastan

The Snow Man

2009-12-23T21:27:00.000+05:30

One must have a mind of winter
To regard the frost and the boughs
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow;

And have been cold a long time
To behold the junipers shagged with ice,
The spruces rough in the distant glitter

Of the January sun; and not to think
Of any misery in the sound of the wind,
In the sound of a few leaves,

Which is the sound of the land
Full of the same wind
That is blowing in the same bare place

For the listener, who listens in the snow,
And, nothing himself, beholds
Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird

2009-12-14T20:22:00.005+05:30

I

Among twenty snowy mountains,
The only moving thing
Was the eye of the blackbird.

II

I was of three minds,
Like a tree
In which there are three blackbirds.

III

The blackbird whirled in the autumn winds.
It was a small part of the pantomime.

IV

A man and a woman
Are one.
A man and a woman and a blackbird
Are one.

V

I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after.

VI

Icicles filled the long window
With barbaric glass.
The shadow of the blackbird
Crossed it, to and fro.
The mood
Traced in the shadow
An indecipherable cause.

VII

O thin men of Haddam,
Why do you imagine golden birds?
Do you not see how the blackbird
Walks around the feet
Of the women about you?

VIII

I know noble accents
And lucid, inescapable rhythms;
But I know, too,
That the blackbird is involved
In what I know.

IX

When the blackbird flew out of sight,
It marked the edge
Of one of many circles.

X

At the sight of blackbirds
Flying in a green light,
Even the bawds of euphony
Would cry out sharply.

XI

He rode over Connecticut
In a glass coach.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook
The shadow of his equipage
For blackbirds.

XII

The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.

XIII

It was evening all afternoon.
It was snowing
And it was going to snow.
The blackbird sat
In the cedar-limbs.

- Wallace Stevens.

Trees

2009-12-13T21:28:00.002+05:30

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

- Joyce Kilmer

As a white stone..

2009-11-28T22:41:00.000+05:30

As a white stone in the well's cool deepness,
There lays in me one wonderful remembrance.
I am not able and don't want to miss this:
It is my torture and my utter gladness.

I think, that he whose look will be directed
Into my eyes, at once will see it whole.
He will become more thoughtful and dejected
Than someone, hearing a story of a dole.

I knew: the gods turned once, in their madness,
Men into things, not killing humane senses.
You've been turned in to my reminiscences
To make eternal the unearthly sadness.

-Anna Akhmatova

2009-11-07T17:22:00.001+05:30

"..Suddenly I realize,
That if I stepped out of my body,
I would break
Into blossom."
From 'A Blessing' by James Wright

2009-10-19T10:11:00.002+05:30

"He talked freely and intimately in a low, hesitating drawl that was not unpleasant to hear. He talked of the old college days when he and Gaston had been a good deal to each other; of the days of keen and blind ambitions and large intentions. Now there was left with him, at least, a philosophic acquiescence to the existing order -- only a desire to be permitted to exist, with now and then a little whiff of genuine life, such as he was breathing now. Her mind only vaguely grasped what he was saying. Her physical being was for the moment predominant. She was not thinking of his words, only drinking in the tones of his voice. She wanted to reach out her hand in the darkness and touch him with the sensitive tips of her fingers upon the face or the lips. She wanted to draw close to him and whisper against his cheek -- she did not care what -"

A Respectable Woman by Kate Chopin.

Psalm 9

2009-10-13T11:15:00.001+05:30

O rose beyond the reach of time and of the senses
O kiss enveloped in the scarves of all the winds
surprise me with one dream
that my madness will recoil from you
Recoiling from you
In order to approach you
I discovered time
Approaching you
in order to recoil form you
I discovered my senses
Between approach and recoil
there is a stone the size of a dream
It does not approach
It does not recoil
You are my country
A stone is not what I am
therefore I do not like to face the sky
not do I die level with the ground
but I am a stranger, always a stranger

- Mahmoud Darwish.

2009-10-03T14:35:00.002+05:30

Something wonderful..

2009-09-22T21:28:00.001+05:30

This is a man who thinks with his heart,
His heart is not always wise.
This is a man who stumbles and falls,
But this is a man who tries.

This is a man you’ll forgive and forgive,
And help protect, as long as you live…
He will not always say
What you would have him say,
But now and then he’ll do
Something
Wonderful.

He has a thousand dreams
That won’t come true,
You know that he believes in them
And that’s enough for you.

You’ll always go along,
Defend him where he’s wrong
And tell him, when he’s strong
He is
Wonderful
He’ll always
Needs your love
And so he’ll get your love.
A man who needs your love
Can be
Wonderful.

She’ll always go along
Defend him when he’s wrong
And tell him when he’s strong
He is wonderful.
He’ll always need her love
And so he’ll get her love
A man who needs your love
Can be wonderful.

- From 'The King and I'

2009-09-21T18:23:00.002+05:30

And why with you, my love, my lord,
Am I spectacularly bored,
Yet do you up and leave me- then
I scream to have you back again?

- On being a Woman by Dorothy Parker

Linger

2009-09-15T21:11:00.002+05:30

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

- The Cranberries

2009-09-15T20:58:00.002+05:30

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

- Rubaiyat [Stanza 51 (1859)]
Omar Khayyam

Translated by Edward FitzGerald

Refuge

2009-09-13T16:46:00.002+05:30

Running across a forsaken battlefield- under the harsh clouds of absent noises, on the soft mud that lives and dies alternately- I carry my fallacies wrapped in a blank sheet that my face is.

Bill Watterson

2009-09-11T12:41:00.001+05:30

Calvin: I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky.

Hobbes: What if you find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a bright fall morning?

Calvin: Well, yeah... I suppose there's no point in getting greedy, is there?

Seminar : The Monthly Symposium.

2009-09-06T23:45:00.002+05:30

Seminar : The Monthly Symposium.

On the same Earth.

2009-09-06T23:31:00.003+05:30

"OH, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,

Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God’s great Judgment Seat;

But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,

When two strong men stand face to face, tho’ they come from the ends of the earth!"

- Rudyard Kipling.

Caught in the crossfire of writing. On the scales are 'emigrant' writers (born and brought up in the West, writing of their homeland, in language that is foreign to the people of their homeland.) , against those that write, staying where they were born and brought up, of their own land, in their mother-tongue, unmindful of the reader, perhaps. The debate is of aesthetics and ideologies, that rosy wreath we lay on 'multiculturalism' and sadly, the art of writing runs into the quagmire of socio-political views. Not that any piece of writing ever has been elusive of it, still. Kipling's verse is at once, distinguishing then knitting together, peoples on a more philosophical canvas of humanity before the Supreme force.

2009-09-06T23:00:00.002+05:30

"... But the present is too much with me. The complexities and absurdities of life, its sudden beauty and its lingering pain, its constant surprises, its vanities and its forgetfulness sometimes turn the most exciting of fiction into a mere faint shadow."

- From 'Midnight musings' by Navtej Sarna [Literary Review, The Hindu dated 6th Sep'09]

Under Siege

2009-09-06T00:56:00.005+05:30

Here on the slopes of hills, facing the dusk and the cannon of time
Close to the gardens of broken shadows,
We do what prisoners do,
And what the jobless do:
We cultivate hope.

-Mahmoud Darwish

To Beslan, to Iraq, to every state in conflict.Sadly, the list is too long. For today, and always, prayers.

I Remember You As You Were

2009-09-04T21:54:00.004+05:30

I remember you as you were in the last autumn.
You were the grey beret and the still heart.
In your eyes the flames of the twilight fought on.
And the leaves fell in the water of your soul.

Clasping my arms like a climbing plant
the leaves garnered your voice, that was slow and at peace.
Bonfire of awe in which my thirst was burning.
Sweet blue hyacinth twisted over my soul.

I feel your eyes traveling, and the autumn is far off:
Grey beret, voice of a bird, heart like a house
Towards which my deep longings migrated
And my kisses fell, happy as embers.

Sky from a ship. Field from the hills:
Your memory is made of light, of smoke, of a still pond!
Beyond your eyes, farther on, the evenings were blazing.
Dry autumn leaves revolved in your soul.

- Pablo Neruda.

Soumya shared in this with me. For today ,there is this poem and I am still on the same train."There is no forgetting",perhaps.

Don't think twice, it's alright!

2009-09-04T06:51:00.002+05:30

Dylan's song. There is a thing about Dylan and me, I can never remember his songs. I must have some kind of selective amnesia for his songs, but anyway, I came across this song today (I could have, in all probability come across this earlier, only I don't remember it) and ever since it's been playing on the music player or on my mind. I usually look up at the lyrics after I've read about it somewhere or someone leads me to it. But the magic of this song is in listening. The nonchalance ,the way in which he casually trods such a painful territory of heartache is astounding.

The lyrics:

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don't matter, anyhow
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don't know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
Don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin' anyway
So don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

Copyright ©1963; renewed 1991 Special Rider Music

Makes my heart heavy. For today, I am taking the train to the past. Hope I'll return soon.

Paint the streets!

2009-09-02T17:54:00.005+05:30

This painting pulled me in! This painting is by Edgar Mueller, one of the most famous artists, I gather.

All I'd known of any art put to the street/road, were the occasional drawings I'd passed by close to the sidewalks. It was usually of some famous figure or deity, in chalk powder or coal, by some otherwise abled man (usually)- with the man holding his hands in a cup, asking to spare him some change. As a kid, I was in awe of the person's artistic abilities - To sprawl across something like that on the road was something to me. We rarely see that these days, what with the urbanization of the place I live in.

All this brushing up on my memory followed this-I logged into FB and a video caught my eye. It well, held it in a spell :) The video was of 'Street Painting'. What I was amazed by was the 3D quality of the paintings. The set of calculations, the perspective that went into it. My eyes rolled at the thought of the details and logistics that went into it.

Here's the video. But it still leaves a lot to be discovered.

For today, good enough. :)

[All credits due.]

Per diem

2009-09-02T17:47:00.002+05:30

Yes, that's what my blog will be called, henceforth. Its simply going to be a log of such things I've come across, that I haven't, before, rather , such things I haven't taken note of earlier, perhaps. Things are always there, we draw up our eyelids at will or chance. It could've been called serendipity, but not all are happy accidents nor do I feel so lucky.Oh, luck!

Yesterday- Part IV

2009-05-05T13:53:00.003+05:30

Mom woke up from a bad dream. She dreamt someone was knocking heavily on the door, a wild mob possibly. And the clatter woke her up. When she refused to open the door , the mob barged in breaking the door, which is quite possible in an apartment. The fear and agony she woke up from made her run to see if her children are safe. I hadn't caught sleep yet so I got up to her side and tried to talk her out into something else so she could forget it. My mom's one of the bravest people I know, but fear is another thing altogether. Specially the fear of something you imagined, which you cannot fight back since you are not face to face with it. The elder sister was to return from work in the wee hours of the morning and we stayed up until she did. Somehow we had a nice chat afterwards and went to sleep.

I thought I would have dreams of the same scene mom dreamt of, since my head is quite actively fanciful. vigorously actually. But, I dreamt of something entirely different. It was such a beautifully untrue 'dream'.

I woke up wanting to go back to sleep in a hope I would see more of that gauze of that sweet vision. End up quoting Shakespeare:

"Prospero:
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd tow'rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.

The Tempest Act 4, scene 1, 148–158

Yesterday Part-III

2009-05-05T13:50:00.002+05:30

I was studying and I realized medicine is a way of service too! I knew I was just trying to lift my fallen spirits. After all we are our own medicine, right? As much as we hurt ourselves, we cure ourselves. [<- Irrespective of whether you are a doctor, that is!]

Yesterday- Part-II

2009-05-05T13:23:00.004+05:30

So, the next article was about the corporal punishments, child laborers et al. This is an issue, no doubt. My only brush with corporal punishment was when I was in my 9th std and one of the teachers had picked up a 6th std student for gross lack of behavior. She had made this girl stand out of the class and slapped her. I could almost hear it.I didn't know it was such a huge issue. Back then, since I did not know the kid much, I was convinced she must've deserved it somehow because this female teacher was one of the most lively and enthusiastic teachers I've ever come across. There wasn't a single cultural event that was complete without her contribution in the form of choreography/singing/make-up (no, she was a teacher of social studies, if you were thinking it was natural). Anyway, that scene stayed in my head and I did not much accuse anyone for it. The girl was fine and I saw she was dancing alongside this teacher in the cultural event next week. So, I thought a little punishment or reprimand never did anyone bad, more so, since I've seen what totally spoilt kids are like, at home and elsewhere.
This article went on to blame various people and came up with a plethora of sensible solutions.
One striking thought was, however, quite unsettling. That the poor are given 'charity education'. As much as I dwell on it, I think it to be true. But the answers are always out of reach or implementation.
On that note, why are we so convinced? So fatalistic? Why do we resign so easily?
Couldn't we help kids with our little means? Aren't they the future? Religiously, I google for 'charitable' organizations in the country. CRY is the first result. I check the page only to discover I had joined it years ago. Maybe that was another moment in time I had felt for the cause. Another such inspiration dulled by time. Callousness!
Then I say to myself, "charity begins at home sweetheart. Weren't you the one who planned the donation campaign with friends such that we supply the missionaries of charity near college with stuff they need on our birthdays? since our birthdays are quite well spread over the year? Ah, there, I am satisfied. Now, you ARE doing your part! Sweet dreams!

Yesterday..! Part-I

2009-05-05T13:23:00.001+05:30

In the morning, while reading the newspapers I was suddenly grabbed by Mallika Sarabhai's candidacy. She's chosen to contest against Advani![Like I said, I haven't had the news about it.] [Pardon the conspicuous absence of any 'ji's or 'sir/madam et al. I cannot start to explain it now, anyway.] This is what I thought:
1. Wow. Against Advani? The possible prime ministerial candidate? BJP's Advani? Look at her guts! Thats like a woman who's head-strong and focused. If not anything, at least we can nurture a tiny glint of hope.
2. Ah Advani! Our dear dear Advani will use up all his means. She will not win, if we know anything about Advani, we can bet our money! I was imagining what he'd say against her at the campaigns. BJP loves slinging the mud under its own feet anyway. Any established political outfit for that matter! Will he now go singing that a danseuse cannot head an office? Something like that. He can always come up with surprising accusations. He's got talent!
3. Okay, so, I am thinking this woman is better than her rival in terms of her thinking, intellectuality, morality et al. How do I know this? I knew it all because she said it at her campaigns. So am I more impressed with her because she looks intellectual and communicates in fine and charming words? Because she represents the educated, the urban classes?
4. The power of communication. A well communicated thought is such a clincher! You might at first not even ponder on the thought per se, just the words used might charm you, quite without your volition .
5. I conclude, okay, I am impressed by her. But I do not trust her too. Politics is such. Blah blah, the usual, what difference does it make anyway.
6. My socio-political self is laid to rest.

Revamping..!

2009-05-05T12:52:00.004+05:30

I had deleted this blog, and today somehow I came to blogger to read my friends' posts and I find this option - 'undelete this blog'. Didn't quite want to all this while, so, perhaps I didn't imagine the existence of such an option. Anyway,when I did see it today, I clicked on it. And my blog is back on the space.
Only yesterday I had been thinking of starting up a new blog. But when sudden inspirations are rested awhile, they settle into unreachable corners. The reason: yesterday, after a very long while I found both the time and interest to finish every article on the paper that piqued my taste. Come to think of it, it was a great day in the sense of how many emotions it elicited in me.

I will cut them into several posts today. Read on ..!

Signs and 'in the moment'!

2009-03-22T20:03:00.003+05:30

I am on a blogging spree, perhaps, lol! I was just talking about the seamless ways I can pour in my nonsense on these pages and here I am reinforcing it, looks like!
There is this feeling I have. About signs. Yes, I know , The Alchemist will be the immediate reference here, but I think Alchemist consolidated this idea I always had. Before I do something,I have positive and negative signs. Somethings which will tell me if what I am going to do is going to work out or not. There might not be anything religious or spiritual about it in my case, but such things happen to me. Happen to lots of other people also, but this is my blog, nay? So let me speak for myself :P lol!
I think of myself as this extremely impulsive being.I do, then think, unlike others who think before they act. And I haven't been free of trouble with this kind of attitude. And when doing, or acting on my impulses I am intuitive, very much so. Its like living in the moment and then ruminate about it at leisure. Ruminate a lot , actually. Not in an effort to alter / scheme whether this step was the reason I am here or the nonsense, but its like telling myself, you were given a moment and you did what you had felt like. Gives a certain pleasure. To be uninhibited and free of the moral tensions that play down the energy or enthusiasm of the situation you bring yourself to.
Gosh! I shall stop for today! * Mouth-shut! *

P.S.The title was 'Signs'. Due to my random blabbering I had to make it signs and 'in the moment'. Lol! How I digress, how wayward! lol!

Anniversaries..

2009-03-22T19:51:00.002+05:30

Death anniversaries specially. Today I had been to my grandma's place. It is the death anniversary of my uncle. Maternal uncle. He had lost his life in a freak accident, was run over by a truck.I do not have many memories of him but I am told I was his pet. And I know he was the cynosure of my mom's eyes . My mom cannot stop crying about him, even though 19 years have passed since. A lot has changed, as it will.
I will not write about death. I had vowed not to. I cannot grasp the enormity of it or the insignificance of it, yet. Yes, it is both enormous and insignificant.
What I think about is this: How long do you remember a person, remember his death anniversary, mark that day with certain rituals or make the deceased persons favorite food and distribute among the needy [-is what my grandparents do each year!] ? How long?
I had seen this movie 'Before Sunrise' yesterday in which the protagonist says "I remember this grave the best, [the name plate reads elizabeth]. She was 13 when she died. I was 13 when I saw this.Now I am 23 years old and what about her? She is 13, still?"
There is something I might be missing in the connection between these two things/events. The lines in the movie and my own thoughts about the time to which we recount the memories of the deceased.
I shall conclude, soon.

I was thinking..

2009-03-22T19:28:00.002+05:30

Erm, what is the entire purpose of a blog? Is it a personal thing, a diary-like place to pour in your queer notions and the not so queer ones? Okay, I know of the 'informative' types of blogs, the 'entertaining' ones too, but I am here trying to reason out the existence of mine. Not one , but 3. One among them has a purpose, quite a superficial one though. I planned to write in and make a log of my experiences at the hospital. Erm not quite 'experiences', lets call it the 'work' there in and what I 'learn'. I go there now, only to refer or add something more to the 'reference'. There is nothing personal to it, so I don't quite mind its existence. Then comes the poetry blog [wasn't meant to be a 'poetry blog' either, it just transformed into one] .I am still shy to let someone read it. I mean I am not whom I can call a 'writer' or a 'poet'.In fact, I do not know how these professions came into existence. Its all such an exercise in introspection and emotions , to call someone a 'writer' or 'poet' must be so demeaning. At least to me, it is awkward. I do not enjoy when people comment that way.Also, its their choice anyway. I like comments which kind of scatter the meaning of the poem/prose in a new light or its own light.I enjoy , that , totally. Ok, I am digressing. So, I am not comfortable with that either. Someone reading what I think or feel. I am happy though, that most of them do not understand. I mean, a handful of my friends who insisted I show them the blog said they do not understand it at all.So, that is kind of comforting to me. And now this one, this blog, here, was supposed to be about anything I'ld like to voice, a platform sort of. But then again, today I couldn't avoid this paranoia that someone I totally don't know might be reading all this. I usually turn a blind eye to this demon of a thought, but today I really am hooked to it. What if someone reads it? What if someone meets me one day and says, oh you are Rukhiya, I read you! HOW disgusting that thought is to me! You can't possibly know a person from a blog. It so ruins the magic of a slow discovery or uncovering of a persona. Reclusive as I am, I would love to see myself come out slowly out of my shell, seek a thing or two, recoil, feel better, come back and so forth. And this is so much a spoil sport now :(
I think I hate it when someone says, I understand you/know you, totally. Understanding/Knowing is a comfort,is humane, totally is not!
I can go on about it..! Maybe I should just stop sharing in, or writing on my blogs but I am kind of happy I have a passive outlet in these things. The thought of being read doesn't always bother me so much anyway.
Go away, devil! Do not gag me!
*Talk about happy endings! bah! we are all so obsessed with it! :x
P.S.: This is called the delusion of reference :P My, my, what a hypochondriac I make! lol!

Blah blah..

2009-03-22T13:34:00.002+05:30

Now, I think most of my posts shall be titled 'blah, blah' since I really don't think I make so much sense in a soliloquy,which is totally for myself. I was wondering what is the one thing I hate the most. I knew it had to do something with an emotion I totally loathe and since I was in a situation recently I know exactly what I hate, at least one of the things I totally hate. And that is 'helplessness'. There is not a feeling that can beat this one. It sort of paralyzes you. Its so numbing , more so because in such a situation you cannot garner help from yourself, because it requires a third person, a person outside your body to look through, pick it up and alter it or address it. I am this person who will never ask for help, howsoever badly I may need it.And that in a matter of emotion I would never ever do. Silence, at times, is so lethal a mask. It seals your mouth and blocks your eyes, and no one seems to hear your voice or read from your eyes. And you are left hoping! A hollow hope is such a futile crop. Its almost like a fibre, which adds bulk and no proper nutrients/ carbs [erm that is the aftermath of too much community medicine, but yes, I imagine it that way!]. The trouble is to 'explain' to someone, trying to make them understand, then take help [EEW!]. To go against your own set of morals/rules is so hurting and painful. Erm, I'd rather not bring the feeling back. Not even to ruminate.

I fear another such incident , it drains me so! But as of now I am glad I am out of it ! Touchwood!

Random me- A tag! [Another tag ;)]

2009-03-05T12:28:00.003+05:30

I think I do more tags than I write blog entries ;) Tags are fun to do. The ease of having questions asked and not having to think of what to write about is definitely more than welcome for my lazy bones. :D So, here is this tag, Random me, picked from Sash's . This darling girl has done it delectably [quite so with all the brinjal and fish ,lol :P]. My turn,
Here are the rules [Which I might not, erm, will not stick to anyway ;)]:
The Random Tag Rules : Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

You have to link the person who tagged you.

And here I go:

1. I am indecisive.

Hell, I am. This is by far the most constant attribute of me. I've always been, will be and am indecisive. Librans are born with this load on their body. They just can't decide. And I am so full of it I take an hour every damn morning to decide what I should wear to the college [No, its not about my concern to look good or the routine 'girly' thing. Even if I were a guy I'd take as much time :/ also that is one reason I loved school, there's a uniform and you don't need to decide. But, I used to, since I had 3 sets of uniform, I took time to pick one among them too. Sigh!]

2. If you tell me, I am not doing it.

No one can tell me/coax me into doing a certain thing. I do when I wish to do, when I feel upto it and I will not do it, most definitely, if someone asks me to. It actually irks me no end when people ask me to do something and people at home have an uncanny timing to tell me to do something, for example, study, right when I am mentally preparing to pick my book. The moment someone says it, it sort of bursts the entire idea that has been forming in my head. So, I will not study. It might look rude to a certain cross section of people, but wth. I cannot, will not. ;)

3. I think I am manipulative:

Very manipulative. I think I am the witchy kind and I bring people or events to a certain effect. I have that awareness of directing someone's emotion and when someone responds in the way I had charted it out, it makes me swell. Or so I think. ;)

4.OCD :

When I get obsessed, I get obsessed. I have this theory of a threshold- Anything if given repeatedly will wear its charm away. So I give that particular person/song/food to myself repeatedly, several times- If I grow over it, if I notice a decline in the feeling for it, there I know I can get over it. Those things I don't get over after my exercise in threshold testing, will remain as things I love. And however I try I will never get over them :)

5.I have silly games/theories/sounds:

LOTS of them! And I will get them going no matter if the person likes it or not. So much for pledging to tolerate me :D One such theory is [just to say, how silly I can be]- Aftercalls. If I like the person a lot [which always is since I am so extreme with emotion. I either like someone too much and get indulgent or I am just plain indifferent] and I happen to call/ the person does. After a lengthy conversation, (which will be a few hours) [now I am not the phone person but like I said I am on the extremes always], and we've said bye, I'll call back again. Say: This is an aftercall. A reminder to let you know all the time I just spent with you is special to me and I will miss you until next time :D Shyaah, my hopeless romanticism ;) [See the word, Shyaah? :D]

6.I am a night person:

I LOVE the night sky, the stillness of nights. I can study so well and I have such easy concentration at night. I can't study in the mornings, until dusk. I really can't. I am so active in the nights. la la la. :)

7.Fallible:

Okay, now this is a secret. I let myself be fallible at times. I have the consciousness of what I am doing, I know what I am saying but I will presume this is my fallible mode and whatever I do or say here is/ will be without consequence. Its a sort of refuge when I want to say something and my waking senses or morals will not help me. Bah! I will be dead! :P

8.Earth and sky:

Something that makes me smile. The Moon , the clouds, a patch of green, a homegrown flower. So innocent and so indifferent. They are my releases to my kind of world. Such peace.

9.I talk to myself:

And loud. I don't murmur or talk in a dreamed up cloud. I talk to myself in voice and clearly. And I LOVE doing that.

10. I am incorrigible and egoistic:

I have to end conversations, I have to satisfy my ego, and I will never grow out of the compulsion to do so. Never!

11.Reclusive silence:

I am the kind that will not speak for myself. I just won't talk and I expect people to just understand it if they will. If I like someone, if I dislike a certain thing, whatever it is , I just won't say. And its hurt me real bad a lot of times, but I still cant get over the habit. Maybe I am lazy there too ;)

12.I am easily complacent:

I can weave myself in a dense web of complacence even before I do something substantial enough to get complacent. This makes me over confident and again, I hurt myself bad. :S

13.Germ-i-clean:

I freak out on hygiene. No, I do not bath regularly, I am just too lazy to put myself through a bath. But I have to have clean feet, clean nails, clean hair, clean face,clean slippers too. Spotlessly clean. I feel so yuck when I see dirty feet or dirt in nails, I feel like throwing some water over them until they come clean or going and chopping that long grown nail off their hand :S I can't even tolerate someone sleeping on my bed or resting their head on the pillow. I start to think of disease transmissions, fomites, eew!

14.I love dusting:

I know this is silly, but wth we are talking random stuff, anyway.I love that feeling of dusting something and restoring its sheen. Gives me the feeling of an archaeologist :P Also, washing a dirty brown linen to white, ah, when you see the white, it is SO fulfilling. But, of course, the linen better be washable and it better get back to white with little effort , else, I'd burn it up. :D

15.. I look at the recipe book, everytime. :

:( I might be bright with academics, brainy, blah, blah, blah, but I just cannot, cannot ever cook something from memory.I have to look at the recipe book every single time, and with every step. I just won't remember, more properly, I am just not sure if what I remember is right :S

16.I read the newspaper backwards:

One habit, I can't get over. I read the newspaper starting from the last page. I've always been like this. Sometimes, I try to start from the first but I just can't read more than a page that way. Also, I have a habit of marking interesting stuff with pencil [yes, on the newspaper!] - I fear if this thread will be my passport to an asylum ;) :P

17.I think I am asylum material:[:P]

I really think so and sometimes go to the extreme lengths of trying to find out why I am not into one already. Maybe people haven't seen it yet , properly, they will if I come out of my room. Some day some one will take me to one. :P

18.Physiology of emesis:

I am very uncomfortable with crowds. I feel stuffed, like all these people are drawing up all the air and filling it with more CO2 and I have to breath that, THAT? No! Also, in the buses, those closed air-conditioned buses, I will most definitely throw up. And all this because the physiology of vomitting will be playing in my head on loop. :S

19.Confused in crowds:

I get very very confused when I see lots of people. Too much color, too many faces, glaring lights, I can't grasp the enormity with my two simple eyes.

20.I LOVE my solitude:

I can't ever give up this one thing, ever. I need time off all the stuff and with myself. This is more evident in the way I am always locked up in my room, always in my room.

21.I have sudden inspirations:

Like I said earlier, I'd do anything if I got an inspiration. If I feel like painting, I will then and there, if I feel like climbing onto the terrace , I will, even if there is no ladder. [Once I wanted to have a cinematic shower, I stepped on a tap and broke it. It was SO much fun fixing it up and having the shower of course! :D]

22. I pride myself on the general knowledge:

Dad and me keep this going at the dining table. And I LOVE it. Several guests think it a privilege to join our dining table discussions, yay! Also, I am a self-proclaimed techie. :D Atleast a beginner techi, erm, whatever, I am techier than the average man! ;P

23. Bad table manners:

Bad manners puts me off and that at the table it makes me want to throw up. I can't continue eating when I see someone scattering food and using up all their hands in the effort to eat. Eew, its SO gross! That said, I, sometimes, [when I am alone] try acting that out. Sit clumsily, eat even clumsily. All to know why I can't get over that hatred for clumsy eating. lol!

24. I enact stuff real well:

I can imitate people, enact their expressions quite well. This makes me the stand-up comedian at gatherings. Of course, the gathering should be of people I know, in the sense, only and only my cousins and aunts. The first relations. NO ONE else. Not even my friends. And if there is a person who thinks he/she can imitate, I'll never get up to perform. [I don't like indulging in a competition! Not a competition of humor atleast!]

25.I cry:

A lot! But there are certain rules to it. I do not cry in the moment. I won't cry in front of anyone [that will make me count as weak.] I will stack them all up until I reach a point where I cannot hold myself back and I start crying. Sometimes, though, I just feel like crying, and since I will not have an immediate reason, I will pick one reason from the stack. :P Now, this reason can be as old as 'someone- told- me- something- bad- in- my- 2nd- standard'. :S That random, I am! :D Also , after crying out to my heart's extent, I will go upto the mirror and console myself. :D

26. Yes, 26!:

:P I detest hypocrites, people who rape languages and pieces of information with their antics and half-knowledge [specially english], ignorant stunted heads, blah, blah-blah-blah. :D [There I am satisfied about breaking the rule :D]

Addendum:[This too! :P]
I can't tell my right from left - I need to take each of my hand to my mouth to see which is more natural and oft-repeated and then confirm :P Specially when giving directions, it has to be fast so I cover by saying- this side, this side :D
I can't tie my shoe lace and I eat food cold . :S :D

Ah, I think I can write another 25 things. :S

Sigh, why should the tag ask only 25. :P

*Deep breath* This was fun! SO much fun :) Thanks to all of those who've read it. Also to those who haven't [atleast their idea of my sanity will remain :D].

Go ahead, those who feel like doing it. It is fun reading too :)

How long does love last?

2009-03-04T03:21:00.002+05:30

I happened to pick this question on a friend's blog and I guess we all have a lot to say in answer to this question.
This is what I said: "As long as you wish it to. I guess its more about if you've had your fill. If you haven't, your ego [read love sick self] will keep pulling back all those shards of memories of time bygone wherein the entire idea of love translates to longing for fulfillment. If you have had your fill, as in properly reciprocated, then it lasts as long as you can remind yourself of your need for that particular love."

I am making a note here, because this is what I feel at this very moment, in all honesty. It is subject to change surely and I shall look to a day when I would want to erase this thing up and write something else in its place. It might be contradictory then or I may continue to think the same but I am making an exercise in a reality check. Erm, whatever! This is for myself. I'd like to hear what you have to say too :) Do leave a note. :)

Eww-tiquette!

2009-03-04T00:23:00.002+05:30

I am, admittedly, a snob and care a lot [sometimes excessively] about manners et al. More so, when I am having a groggy day or I am just plain irritated. No, I'd not say anything outwardly but my face twitches and winces involuntarily.
But, there are days when my self acclaimed sophistication goes blank and it completely bemuses me. I start to wonder if it was indeed me who behaved in a certain way. Rather, some times, I am clueless about any form of manners and I suddenly feel the rub of being civilized or partly uncivilized or roughly uncivilzed.
One such experience is what happened yesterday.I was at the doc for a check up and this person is the assistant professor of Medicine at college.[Medicine being my fave branch, I am naturally a bright talent(atleast I pass off such impression) in the department and therefore I have a good rapport with the entire staff.] So, I walk over to his clinic and wait for him. I see him entering his cabin and I just smile[NO wish, nothing! After a few seconds I am like, good morning sir- this at 7:30 in the evening!]. He asks me to come in and I sit across and reel about the problem. After this is over he fixes an appointment with the consultant sonologist of the hospital and since the appointment was a few mins away he chats up until then. We discuss several things and my talk is conspicously free of any form of respectable addressing. Then we go over to the cabin of the sonologist. Here, the prof takes the lead and introduces me to this doctor who is also the head of the hospital.
Prof: Doctor, this is my pet student Rukhiya. She's the one I was asking you to screen.
[Turns to me]. You know this is Doc XXXXXXXX.
I nod my head in disagreement! I don't know the person,I've never heard/seen him before and my reflex goes nude and I nod to mean, no, I don't know!
As bad luck would have it, the doc saw me nodding. :S
Then on the table he asks me questions [one real disadvantage of being a medico is you are not spared the viva voce even on the operating table. So if you have a problem, you better diagnose it yourself , hold a bunch of differential diagnoses and study everything there is to know about it, if possible also brush up a related topic before you present yourself to a doc!] and I did not know how to answer from such an uncomfortable position :/
After this , he walks out of the room to his cabin & my prof asks me to take the other common exit out of the room. The fix here was whether I should go back and thank the sonologist first and then thank my prof or run to the prof's cabin assuming my talk would do for a thank you to the sonologist(also assuming that it'd be overly sweet/unnecessarily sticky to go the sonologist and give a huge thank you when he has 4 patients already waiting upon him). I had to act quick and I first got out of the room and went to the prof's cabin. When I enter , I goof up his conversation with another doc I know. I was caught between two docs I know and had to make it clear how I know each of them. Bah! Then I was asked to wait for a while outside [I clearly remember my prof saying this!]
In the waiting room, stranded and caught in all my confusion I was still considering going back to the sonologist and thanking him. I thought it was awkward of me to not do that first and if I went now, I'd make it even worse. All this was killing me and the day's running about and studying had already taken a toll on me.
Half an hour passes and I let the other patients go in first. At 9:30 I finally go in and my prof says:" You're still here? ". This particular moment I wanted to kill myself / kill him. What does he mean you're still here? Of course I am, he asked me to. I say : "Yes sir". Then he goes : "But why? ". Now, I am all red and my face is awfully transparent . Concealing with all effort I say:"Umm,Sir, I thought I'd thank you before I leave". He says:" Oh, Rukhiya, skip the formalities." Yeah right! But now? . Then he says: "Oh and by the way, don't worry much theres no problem we could detect yet, stay cool, things will be fine". I tell you if he hadn't said this much I would've gotten so $#^% at him!
As though all these goof ups were not enough when I exit the room I forget to pull the door along behind me. The consequence? It shuts with a large thud!

Sigh! If I were outside myself and was watching all this, I would've despised myself like hell.

Where? Oh, Where are my manners?

Disclaimer: The above post in no way means I am sophisticated always. I can be groggy, uncivilzed or more shrewd than the lowest creature on the planet. It's all in the day.

Road side..

2009-02-23T18:13:00.003+05:30

The other day I was driving home from college. And I was speeding as usual. The roads here are pretty narrow and hugely residential [yes,the roads double up for homes for many people] and I had to really keep my hands glued to the brakes. Just when I was avoiding a kid running across, a man , of 50 , came up to stand in the way. My bike screeched to a halt and I was wondering what he was trying to do. I stopped to take a closer look. There was a little chicken that had been run over. It was obviously fighting its last and this man here took the time off to guard it.I do not completely understand the situation, but, to me , it seemed very strange and moreover it made me guilty. I do not know if it was a kind-er me, she would have taken the dying poor thing to a Vet or done something else. But it kept playing on my mind over and over again, until I wrote it here. I do not know if its going to stop with this, but I had to write it out.
.........................................................................................

Thia post is one I will keep updating.I'll add on to it . This new place teaches me LOTS of things.

Tag wag! :P- Words and Images!

2009-02-20T17:20:00.014+05:30

I know its been LONG since I got here, but the previous post was self-explanatory about the break and the reasons :) Meena, love your 'come back' note *Hugs* :) . And Usha m'am, I'll be a good girl now :P [finally!]

Let me get done with this interesting tag thats been pending for long now. More appropriately because, its WORDS and IMAGES. There is nothing better, I've loved surely. :) Here goes:

The rule:
I'm supposed to be pasting an image for every answer of mine,from the first page of google image search,with minimal explanation.

Roll..

1. The age you will be in your next birthday:

I'd like to say this in that typical tone one of my friends says- Tontee too :P But damn, so soon, this one doesn't make me happy :S

2. A place you’d like to travel to:
I'd love to travel, the world over. I really don't care 'where'. All I wish to do is wander and breathe from a patch of a meadow, listen to the gurgle of water,run , or just be, somewhere. A little free, a little empty. :) If I HAVE to pick up a place, it would be Santorini, Greece. I've been hugely fascinated lately with these pictures I see of this place. This place beats all my ideas of heaven :)

3. Your Favorite place:
Of all places I have access to, it should be my room [Needless to say, the balcony too :) ]

[Not mine. Pretty much like mine. Same pinch to that someone who is as clumsy as me :P]

.. and a place I usually drive off to towards the city's outskirts- Calm and soothing :) Sadly, Google wont help with it, but I shall try giving the picture. *Searches*

This place :) [Dug this one out from the PC :P]

4. Your favorite food/drink:

Chicken :D I think I can eat ANYTHING in the name of chicken :P [Its passed by tolerance test, EVERY single time , so! :) ] And the image search took long,I was drooling :P

Drink- Water, preferably cool. NOT chilled :) [Favorite or not, it is one thing that doesn't sicken me :P]

5. Your favorite pet:
CAT! [ pat comes the reply :P ] Almost all my friends know I am a cat maniac :) THE best creatures on the planet :) And you needn't pet them, they'll take it when they want , anyway ;)

6. Your favorite color combination: Umm, blue and a certain soft brown, the color of skin. I go bonkers over this combination :) Absolutely sensuous and subtle :)

7. Your favorite piece of clothing: Pajamas and tshirt :D MOST comfortable, which explains why I am always lazing around in them ;)

8. Your all time favorite song: All-time favorite is VERY hard to pick. Erm, Heaven by Bryan Adams. I don't know why I chose this one, maybe because I've always felt it was for me. Just that much :)

9. Your favorite TV show: F.R.I.E.N.D.S. :)

and Oswald :D

10. Full name of your significant other: Significant other? Full name? Myself. Now, pick the first and second names out please ;)

11. The town in which you live in: Tirupati. Now, this image should be from some prehistoric era. Its less greener now, but green enough :)

12. Your screen name/nickname: Rukhiya- on/off screen. But,lately people have taken to calling me Rukhs. So that must be it :)Pick the 'Rukhs' part yourself! :|

13. Your first job: Was bad. Because I couldn't figure out what my 'job' was. :P [I am shtill in college, duh! ;)]

14. Your Dream Job:
To be a Pulmonologist :) Indeed my dream, but it won't look like a job to me :)

15: Bad Habit you have: Umm, I tend to think, people will 'understand' without me having to say something. And it turns out, this assumption is more often than not wrong. Sigh!

16. Your worst fear: Becoming someone I am not for a reason that is not mine.

17. The one thing you’ll like to do before you die: Say Au Revoir :P There are LOTS of things I'd like to do before I die. "God put me on earth to accomplish a few things, right now, I am so far behind, I'll never die" ;) That goes for me ;) And I usually end up doing all and everything I wish to do when I can so I am doing fairly well ;)

18. The first thing you’ll buy if you get $1,000,000: Umm, our old mansion-like-house. That's for mom and dad. :)

Phew! Done! :) Thoroughly enjoyed this one, thanks dearest! :) I'll tag off everyone reading this :D [A cue from teacher dear :P]

What 'New' Year brought and left ! :|

2009-01-06T17:01:00.003+05:30

My blog screams *Where the F*** have you been?* :P

Seems I am not even loyal to this, sigh!

But I promise to return.

What I 'did' for New Years-

Night: Oh, I had the best time ever! Cool-ly out of mood, no one home, no great food, no calls [I did not take many] , a 2 day old chocolate pastry, a pounding head, Sweeet sleep and sweet dreams. Silence!
Morning: We , my gang of friends from coll and I,usually have no trouble having ad-hoc parties/lunches/'games'. But, on the day, we were all, sort of, *yeah, we'll go here*, *oh, no, not that one* *trek?* *Drive?* *No* *Yes* *No clue* *Bleh!* ALL of this and we ended up, only 5 of the 6, at my place and *danced* like crazy [Now whoever danced when in 'senses'!]. Anyway,I do not *dance* [Oh, I did dance once, this year*secret!*], and hence was screaming and playing the DJ AND getting all this on video. All for exactly two hours after which we did some more nonsense 'googling' and 'nothing'.
The rest of the day- Hermit! :) I am always so busy with myself :P

Ahead: Whats 'going-to-be':

Academic-Geeky,I know, but its really taken up a large chunk of worry in my head. The departments have great plans and were sweet enough to post us a HUGE timetable loaded on and off with exams till March end on new year's [Yes, WE have college on New Year's]. I am still counting on my good stars for the attendance,this year, I've been rather too easy to whims and I either over-slept or went out of mood just when I had a class to attend. The exams have been equally terrible, I've gotten tired of declaring after every exam that the paper was 'silly'! And then there is my 'forever- dream' of starting on the USMLE preparations. And in a few months, I'll be in the final year, yippie!! I see some end to it after all!

Friends- Have been ultra cool this year, the ones from coll. We, all girls, had rather too tiny fights. NEVER a proper fight! [It is another thing, that I'd run from the faintest sound of a fight, I get so pissed off by *rough* weather between people!]

Other friends- Read, friends off campus. Made loads of *friends-only* *<> Friends*. But then again, no one that may encroach, thankfully. :)

Found loads of new songs to sing, new poets to enjoy, new books to read [obviously :P], gadgets to go ga-ga about, food to cook and eat, new ways to while away time, new ideas for blogging, got to writing [Im still reluctant to gulp that bit down!], movie-watching, places to eat, etc etc.

Been dreamy, been practical, been this, been that. All of me :)

On the utterly personal front- I've been HAPPY!! [Though this has been, by far, the year, with the most no. of *cried-all-night, woke-up-dumb* days/nights. To sum up I am happy- seeing 'someone' for over a year, is wow! :P ]

Who will cry when you die?

2008-12-18T03:33:00.002+05:30

Cheesy,I know! But this one really got me thinking, after the innumerable rounds of dismissal of such 'not-my-type-of-talk' warriors, I got to this.I've become an expert at answering things on Orkut's forums and since I put so much effort, bringing them to log on this page!!

I am in no mood to edit- Understand/ Read at your own risk or ability. :)

"My first impression when I saw this thread, and the questions was to take a red pen and write one word next to every question, in bold- NONE!

Since tonight, I am in one of my nicer moods (which makes me feel upto taking a chance with answering this, I mean), I will answer, or try, my best :)

Who are your friends.. who likes you despite your flaws....?
My friends are those that can tolerate me. No one 'likes' flaws, for example, no one 'likes' a burnt toast, perhaps, you just dont care to point it out, or there is a better feeling you nurture inside for the person that it covers the minor showings of 'flaws'.

Who loves you unconditionally?
Umm, I never knew love comes on/with/under certain conditions?!!??!

Who are the people who go looking for you when you go missing?
I take breaks from people now and then, which is pretty much like going missing. And who's looked for me? Well, my friends, now, look for me, as in, to when I'll get back. If you are asking who will come and search for me,then its none. I would not like it much either. :)

Who are the people who call you up for advise,comfort,confiding?
I think I call and irritate my friends with my stuff :P (Which is comforting to both of us:P ) Those who can make me listen are also the same set, but they'll have to let me finish too ;)

Who accepts you as you are...?
I do not find much of complaining from anyone. They just say- 'Rukhiya, you are...' Now, the last word keeps changing between flattering/ swearing. So, I should think, I am accepted? (Sounds like 'We 'accept' mastercard :P)

Who is gonna miss you when you are not there?
Probably, my gang of friends at coll. Those are the only set I meet everyday. Rest of them- I am not continually in company! Miss me in their thoughts? A few close friends would, perhaps, when they think of our time together or when they would wish I were with them :)

Who CANNOT live without you?
What is more like a question to me is : Who CAN live WITH you? :)

Who tells you that you come FIRST in his/her life?
I've never cared about the numbering/ order- As long as I am in someone's life. Being the number one, should be good, or maybe, not as good. What do I care, anyway? No one ever 'told' me that :)

My friends= the ones I hold as friends.

Phew!! :)

Actually, Dolly- I am thankful to you. This thread indeed makes me realize things I've never addressed. Cheesy as it may sound, thank you so very much! "

How random is Random?

2008-12-18T02:55:00.002+05:30

This is one of my fave questions-- How Random is Random??

Whenever I've said, my head is random, I have some nutcase around that coos in, 'me too'- And I feel like asking' How random do you think random is?' Are thoughts not related, isn't it a chain? Then it can't be random! Do you think out of the bound? Then perhaps it is, but can you wholly deny ANY link to the previous thought? Thought is a process, nay? Why do mine keep flying in and out like birds, in some scrambled pattern? Oh,if there is a pattern, I cannot be thinking random! Or maybe? Sometimes I just think I am random, and I think it pleases me to differ from the consensus, to be me- without another's thought influencing -which is when there is a pattern and absence of a randomness!
<>

I think I'll tag this one- meditations of an insomniac :P
And I'll keep adding to this one <"I have SO much to say I don't even sleep!"> :D

Holding hands..what does it mean to you? :)

2008-12-09T18:59:00.002+05:30

I found this thread on the community,FIBJ owned by Sachin (Orkut). Putting it up here :) I'll tag my friends obviously. :)
Its simple : What does it mean to you...?
...
The internet gyan says: Two or more people voluntarily hold hands for one of the following reasons and purposes:
...
1. handshake
...
2. in certain religious services, to pray
...
3. in various occult rituals
...
4. to express friendship or love
...
5. to enjoy physical intimacy
...
6. for emotional support
...
7. to guide (a child, a blind person, in darkness, etc.)
...
8. to urge to follow
...
9. to keep together (in a crowd or in darkness)
...
10.to help the other walk, stand or climb up
...
11. to dance
...
12. to arm wrestle
...

My answers :

1. handshake
Its not anything like holding hands- Very superfluous to me. So, it goes to people who've just been introduced to me [ This hasn't ever set well with me, my relations (intimate or otherwise) have never followed a formal introduction. :) ]
......
2. in certain religious services, to pray

.......
3. in various occult rituals
Excuse me, can I have an example of an 'occult ritual'? :P
.....
4. to express friendship or love
One of those HIGHLY romantic things for me. (Believe a Libran when she says that!).Takes less effort but gives such amazing feeling.
I've held hands with my friends for no reasons, when bored, and the hands hang lose by the shoulder/chair- Pat them, swing them to and fro. Feels so nice :)
Expressing love- Well, this is one thing a man SHOULD do when he proposes to his girl ! Better still, one thing he shouldn't forget to do ever! Speaks volumes :)
.......
5. to enjoy physical intimacy
Aye, you can end up finding your hand-twin :P :)
.......
6. for emotional support
On the contrary, how about hi-fives. Emotional support too :P
........
7. to guide (a child, a blind person, in darkness, etc.)
I don't know about guiding. But help a child/old man to some place- See how your heart swells :)
.....
8. to urge to follow
Hehe, my friends will know this better! I always have *important* things to say, I pull them out and have them follow me :P
.......
9. to keep together (in a crowd or in darkness)
Never did this! I love getting lost, I think :P
........
10.to help the other walk, stand or climb up
Yeah, climb trees, climb walls :D Mom is always supposed to help me stand, if shes around! :D
.......
11. to dance
Aah!! *Dreamy eyes* :) :)
......
12. to arm wrestle
Duh! Look at my biceps! :P

What is yours?? I'd like to tag :

Meena

Sash

Usha ma'am

Prats

Sketch by Rahul :)

2008-12-03T23:02:00.003+05:30

This one is a pencil sketch made by my friend, Rahul. Comments are welcome, more than welcome :)

Here is the reference : Elisha Cuthbert.

Exams!

2008-12-02T22:25:00.007+05:30

Nothing, nothing changes about this one thing- Exams!

This is one common thread to all Indian students- Exams are exams- they affect each and everyone- the top scorer, the averager, the bpls, everyone :P

Common denominators/quotients/remainders/whatever!!

Terrified- The off color faces, once the date of the exam is passed on. Picture-perfect! :P
Petrified- The day before the exam - "I know nothing, yet!! Are we going to pass?? *The saddest, most helpless look ever*" - While on the inside - Shit, I have 10 more chapters to finish- I will!! *Battling that heavy drowning sigh :P*
Mugging- Days in, Nights out :D Cram!! There is no better word :D
Nauseating- In front of the exam hall when you have this terrible churn in the stomach that says- Oh ****!!!
Emesis- In the exam hall - I am just using a polished term :P

After the exam

- Discuss *Sshh, you've done your best - 'You are your only comfort', nay? :P*

Resume! Back to normal!! :)

[Disclaimer- This is the general consensus, through my cynical eyes- This ,in no way applies to me!! If you don't buy it(The above, or my disclaimer)- let me tell you, I have an exam morrow :D- Braveheart, eh? :P *I am just in NO mood to study! :(*]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things that amuse me / amuse everyone - in the time around exams :

- The capacity for adsorption- The tremendous ability that is granted to you, only and only the day before the exam. I guess it should fly away afterwards, there are ever so many people giving exams all over :P
- The zillion wonderful thoughts- I can think of the most 'wonderful' thoughts- those that are cheesy/mushy/funny/serious/world-changing/deeply introspective/retrospective/blah blah et al.
- I can make the most exciting friend or strike upon the most awesome piece of art/ poetry just then.
- I can get SO inspired to work harder, so very inspired! *again, the following day, there isn't one trace :P*
- I get all hungry, all so sleepy- but I have to stay up and eat lesser, duh! All the past days' hunger and sleep come calling only then!

Blah, blah- Since I am updating this part AFTER the exam, the other things seem to have abandoned me. So when its exam time again, expect an update. Of course, you are free to share in yours too :P

Storms of two kinds..!

2008-11-29T01:41:00.003+05:30

Its been raining here, in a rather unusual way- Incessantly, lashing out on the town. This place, I've lived in all my life did not have so much of rainfall in end Novembers , atleast as far as I can recall- I come to attribute it to the usual suspect- Global warming ..! We've become so conveniently tuned into believing in Global warming- We seem to think it a natural phenomenon, not as something we humans have been instigating!

27 th Nov, the wedding anniversary of one of my uncles, that lives in Mumbai. A very distant one, that is much too busy, otherwise, took his wife and his mom out for a long drive and then planned on a fine dinner- Which they could not make to of course. While still turning down the lane of their house, they were bombarded with phone calls, most of which were from my Grandma, asking/ ordering them to get back home- NOW! They get tuned into the news in a minute and get home in no time. Not a very interesting story perhaps, since it does not involve much action. They are safe.

And that is as much we care about. During the torrential rains, we are pleasantly sipping coffee looking out of the window at times , cursing the delay in the networks, cursing the rain. In times of alarm, we call up our dear ones, once convinced of their safety, we sleep- We have so much work to do, all day, everyday. That is as much time we can spend. Oh yeah, the news. I get updates on my mobile device. Upward!

The slums in my city would've been wiped off the ground, on the first day of the rains- There were such scary winds!
The people in my country would've been buried into the ground, on the first day of the attacks- There were such scary acts!

What is excusable? A sleepy conscience? the hope-deprived walking corpses? The corpses? The men that executed such a heinous crime? The national intelligence? This ? That? Me? You? Us? Who?

Do, tell me quick, (Do not if you are pointing to me) - So I can sleep! I've got to wake up early-

My alarm screams at me! I still sleep - chilly winters!

Free spirited and Independent Award!!

2008-11-29T01:12:00.006+05:30

Thank you, my dearest Teacher,Usha, and Shal, and Sash for this! I am indebted to the kindness showered and the honor shared. The tag sits rather heavy, for it isn't very easy to be Free spirited and Independent. Though that is how we are brought to Earth. To return to the elements, has never been easy. :)

And I give it back to you :)

Also to:

Meena

Soumya

Trinath

Jags

:)

So, as Instructed in the Ways of Award Presentation and Conferring, this is what has to be done, as I understand, from Usha ma'am :)

1. Put the logo on the blog by downloading the picture and adding it as a picture widget

2. Add a link to the person who presented it to you.

3. Pass this one, and link other bloggers that you'd like to share it with.

Feminism, the tag!

2008-11-26T13:42:00.003+05:30

"You've been tagged on Overdrive on 'Feminism'- Usha"

Ever since I read these words in my inbox, I've been, well, kind of suddenly conscious of 'females' around me, when I should think it a pleasant surprise since I rate myself 'quite a feminist'. Of the singers that are females, the workforce at hospital, the female doctors, the women in the family. Its not like they are a rare species but the word makes me think about how these people are where they are today, whom did they struggle against, et al.Doesn't everyone of us have atleast one story to relate when asked about the discrimination? I can tell how it hurts to hear a male professor tell us, female students, that we need to be at home, doing our jobs there, if we can't measure up to men (all this came about because we did not answer one question, while the guys did not answer most of those asked!)- Of course, you could even take it for a challenge, and work yourself more severely, and outdo, which helps anyway. [Thank you, Prof. :P ;)]
I've never really found a meaning with holding a gender bias. I stand for a human, an individual that has immense capacity within his/herself to make or break anything he/she wishes to. Feminism, as a trend,(the mike-holding females that shout their lungs out) seems to highlight a kind of 'weakness' that never was. Gaining incentives on the basis of gender seems so much like driving a wrong point home, that we are in a certain kind of 'need' for such things.
But of course I think the tag comes handy to those that are aware of such a word. To those that are not, they are well, a weaker sex, in a predominantly patriarchal society. Being the daughter of a woman that is so fiercely independent, I am still of the opinion that 'feminism' is by itself a very high idea. Or why else would the common, below poverty line females that we encounter in the hospital each day come with such atrocious stories. This is not about financial independence either, since I have seen well-heeled relatives that still cower down to their husband's demands, or stay like a prop to go hand in hand to weddings. They do not know,they just submit.
I remember one of my friends asking me once what I thought of such atrocious acts as Rape- And I had said, the only reason is the exploitation of the freedom to have sex. That men , over- assert, women, never assert. Because things like this happen everywhere, even in marriages. Of course, I might be digressing, but what I chose to point out is the undermining of the moral or a basic right to live with as much individuality as each of us is born with.
Talking of the philosophy (words like individual, moral, feminism too)or the amount of reading that has let such ideas occupy our little heads, I really wonder how many of our 'successful' women(by which I mean the everyday examples around us, not the people on TV or in print) have had access to these. Most of them did not, and if you tell them of such a 'emotion' doing rounds, it might even come as a scorn to them.
To me, both feelings, Male Chauvinism or Feminism are extreme and impersonal, I view both of them in the same category of words that never should've been. If chauvinism was the epidemic of the time past, feminism is the current. Epidemics claim lives, they do not address or help any situation, they claim the weaker beings. And that is exactly what occurs when such ideas come up and occupy screen space or limelights.
If each individual, lived, worked, in full realization of his/her role, ability and responsibility, upholding the self-esteem of the fellow beings as well as he/she upholds his/her own, there would be no need for such debates or for that matter need for pumping into our dictionaries words of no actual meaning.

This is entirely a matter of perspective. Thank you for reading. You might want to debate any point up here, which is most welcome. :)

And I should think I've struggled enough to bring this piece up here- With the guys at the power station :P [Its been raining incessantly and hence after 10 power cuts- I post this :PThere you go! ;)]

In keeping with the tagging thing:
I'd like to tag, two :

Rini

Madeeha

:)

Time is never time at all..

2008-11-25T17:16:00.000+05:30

That's how this song begins -Tonight, Tonight by Smashin pumpkins.
And that is also how most of our songs begin when we are sitting,looking long and throwing even longer shadows onto those remnants of yesterdays buried in some area of the brain, not exactly delineated or understood by Medicine.(Thankfully!)

This song has stayed with me ever since I've heard it and I think it most appropriate to go with this bit of myself that has settled here to recount my days. 21 years of life is not a great deal of living perhaps, overlooking the formative years and the rebellions, it might still not be time at all. Still, I, I have always answered my questions, like someone came up with a mike to me and tapped at my gut in a silent rustle and I respond -eating, walking, driving(first my cycle, then my bike)- whenever they came to me in my waking hours. (I might have done that in sleep too. Only, I do not have the memory of doing so. :) )

Now, with due apologies to Brinda and Alekhya (two of my very close friends, who always thought my life is one that should be in print. And I always grinned at them, my evil grin, since I know it wasn't much of a compliment, it only meant I am weird, very!:)) we shall move on to the tag and the questions :P

Yesterday

- Your oldest memories :

My oldest memories? I've been trying very hard to recall, which one dates the oldest. There are so many of them. Grandpa dropping me at school, my first day at school. I remember getting to school in time for the prayer time, and I was crying inconsolably though almost all of my cousins were with me( This is one thing I'll cherish so much about school, all of us siblings, cousins going to the same school- made us such a well-knit group! We would all have lots of friends and we knew each others friends, that made us know almost all of the school, all of the teachers. Sometimes we would proudly swell, 'Oh this teacher hasn't been here even as long as we've known this place' :P). My paternal grandpa, he was this person that was the voice of the family, anything he said was the rule. Very principled, lots and lots of self-esteem, he was even built so. I remember myself feeling left out since all kids seemed to have their own importance - I remember telling myself, I have to use my best talents, and then see why I can't be the best. And I remember my grandpa telling me I had a voice made for the mikes, he loved my diction, he would have me read the newspaper to him every morning.

I remember losing out on my medal in UKG (I know this is the biggest joke, but yeah, the kindergaten had this thing! :P) to another girl since I changed my school just a day before the award ceremony. I still went on to attend it, and did not cry. I remember mom being so happy.

Then, one day when I fell asleep, on the sofa, dad had carried me to my room. My dad never picks up kids since he has a fear he might hurt them, and I woke up in transit and then quickly closed my eyes, since I was feeling so good about being carried in dad's arms. I was listening to people around me saying- Ah , finally, this is how a man should learn to carry his daughter, this is how he learns. And all the giggles that followed it. My dad's arms and that proud feeling in my head and heart. All of my deceiving that I was actually sleeping gave me one moment I'll never ever forget. :) I must've slept so well that night :)

- What were you doing ten years ago?

10 years ago,I was a 10 year old :P I was in my 4th standard. Was using the word- 'Best Friend' for the first time. I had my own little group. I was being very jealous that the guy I had a crush on was falling for my bestie :P I had been caught once for writing something of the sort on paper- My class teacher found it in my notes and called me to the office and gave me a good nice lengthy lecture on it (This must be the first time since that I am talking about the incident- then I was ashamed, now I find it very funny :P). I was playing (which I did not after some time, I thought and still think it very taxing and indecent -indecent just because it makes me sweat and my lazy muscles work :P) all kinds of childish games- ham cheese hamburger sauce potato chip chip chip :P
Oh I was also delibrating at home what I should pick in my Work experience (which eventually was electrical gadgets) and Arts (I had chosen drawing and painting.) - This somehow has a very large influence on me, I think because until then my interests weren't streamed. These things really gave me what I liked most. I did so well in both the subjects, thoroughly enjoyed each and everyone of them classes :)

- Today

Today? Well, a more appropriate answer to this should stem from what I've been doing these past 3-4 years of my life. All my teenage was a real bumpy ride. Though it really looks smooth from the outside. :) Today, I am a 21 year old. I am pursuing what I always wanted to (Once, I had shown my grandpa that I had topped my class yet again and he had told me, I will believe you've got brains when you will be showing me such performance 10 yrs hence - He would be glad now, I think :))- Medicine has become a way of life- So much so, I think this is my one true love :) :)

Today, I am more aware of myself. Of my own being, inside of me. I know what she wants, what she desires. I might not know the answers to her 'How?' or 'Why?' but I am taking real good care of her.Almost like I pet myself. I listen to her, talk to her and live with her. I have kept myself open to knowledge about, just about anything and everything. I've let my interests and hobbies flourish, I feel more complete than ever before. I am indifferent, stoic when I wish to be. I have my own sphere of existence.I am confident and when I love, I love entirely. I have known several tragedies, family responsibilities, and all this, more than bending my spine, have made me more complacent and at some sort of peace with myself. Turbulence comes and goes, but what is fluid also knows to be placid :) Of course, my indecisiveness has stayed on, but I've come to laugh at it too.I have lots of good and bad behind me. Mostly I've lived off like I want and wish to.Society and conventions- I am giving them an evil grin :)

- Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I am going to be better in control of my mood, which I haven't been today.I am going to attend the 8'o clock class (Again, my sleeping-sickness doesn't allow itself to be commanded by a clock- I am an owl :)) I am going to finish off writing the CNS case and present it and do it all properly. I am going to peer through all those glass screens to catch a glimpse of who I wish to see everyday.I am going to smile, my loveliest smiles, even without my knowing- this happens involuntarily ;) I am going to be nicer to my friends who have been exhausting every nerve and sinew to ask me the reason behind my bad and sad mood. Not that I will talk about it, I'll just put it behind and laugh that insane laugh we always do in my group. Falling forward and laughing our tummies out :P And of course, I am going to study better , do my routine stint at internet and after everything- I'll read all of this again, before I go to sleep :P

- What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?

Oh I was always thinking and imagining myself 7 years hence, since by then I would have finished my PG (by hook or crook :P). 14 years from now,I must be married. I should've had a kid or two and I must be working real hard to get them and my own career on a nice scale :) I would be, if everything goes fine, with the man I love, or rather still be as fondly in love with my man. I really have a thing since I was a kid about having a family picture- Which shall give me immense joy to look at, filled with the smooth placid emotion that frame would contain. I would be, or hope I would still retain my choice and flair for my interests.May be I'll have gone round the world too. All in all I should really hope I will be doing good.Life should be great at 35 :)

- If you build a time capsule, what would it contain?

Well, if this question was meant to ask me what I cannot live without, I should say I can do without most things. The people I love, I shall always carry them within my heart. The rest of the things are very materialistic. So I should be taking a pretty big chunk from the Earth if I had to go out in a time capsule- Love and lovely things are so conspicuous by their absence :) The World shall be awfully at loss, if I could take all I love with me :)
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I should really love to read this after I've lived that long. Some day, Somewhere :)